The Archangel
by stilljustme
Summary: "There's no I in a team." But when the dead return and threaten to kill the brain and heart of the team, isn't their a first time for everything?
1. Chapter 1

„Hey, JJ! Want some coffee too?"

Without saying a word, the blond agent rushed up to Hotch's bureau.

"JJ?" Emily watched her colleague in astonishment, as suddenly the second mug was taken out of her hands.

"Nice job, agent Prentiss. What did you bugger up that you now try to corrupt us with coffee? You know you got to pour in two kilos of sugar for Reid!" Agent Morgan, appeared late but in a good mood as every morning, laughed. However, he quickly put the coffee back into her hands as he saw her shocked face. "Emily, what's wrong?"

Reid, who had ignored Morgan till now turned around. His glance followed his colleague's up to Hotch's door.

"Is something wrong with Hotch?"

"JJ ignored me", Emily murmured in bewilderment. The men looked at each other, unsure what to think. "Emily…" Morgan started, but she interrupted him, "JJ's rushed up to Hotch some moments ago and totally ignored me!"

Morgan shrugged. "Probably it's an urgent case." He sighed and grabbed his emergency bag from beneath his desk. "Be prepared for another long, long flight, guys!"

Reid, who now had taken the mug from Emily – and, as was to be expected, poured spoons ful of sugar into it – grinned, but he noticed that Prentiss's eyes had not left the door.

Lost in thoughts Emily stared at the grey plastic. Something was wrong, she knew it. Something was terribly wrong.

"Hotch, you need to see this!" For the first time in her career, JJ didn't knock before she entered a bureau. The tall man inside was talking on the phone. Surpised, he looked at the young woman and then motioned her to wait.

"Yes, of course, Chief Strauss", he said. "That's exactly what I was talking about. I'll hand you the files myself right this evening."

JJ stared at her boss, clearly trying to hypnotize him so he would end the call. Hotch's eyebrows went up, but he knew his media liaison too well. She would not act like this if she had no reason.

"Right, Erin. I'll call you if anything happens." He hung up.

"Sit down, JJ. What's up?"

JJ stayed afoot, one single file in her shaking hands. "This…this has come from Fayetteville an hour ago. Just have a look at it."

Hotch skimmed over the pages. "Murdered couples and single persons whose photographs are now in the internet." He looked up. "I guess the IP-address couldn't be found?"

"Yes, it has." JJ took a deep breath. "They don't need us to find out who the UnSub is, Hotch. They need us to get him…forever." She swallowed.

Hotch had become very earnest. "JJ…"

"I know, Hotch", the blonde woman interrupted, tears forming in her eyes. Her voice started to shake as well, as panic flooded her mind. "I know that this is insane. I know that it must not be and that no one of us should do this case, but…"

"He's dead, JJ. Reid shot him. I'm sorry there's a copycat killer, but that is no problem of ours."

"Hotch..."

"Do you want to tell the team that a dead psycho has returned from death? Do you want to tell Reid he can't handle a gun? Besides, this method doesn't fit our profile. Do we have any other cases, JJ?"

His voice had some final steel in it. JJ lowered her glance. When she spoke again her voice was calm and gentle, as always when she was speaking to a grieving family.

"Hotch, I would like to forget this as much as you or anyone else here. No, truth be told: I would like to forget this more than you or anyone else here can imagine. Believe me. But the IP-address was clear, as was the picture. The crime scene, the calls right before the killing, this justice talk…it all fits. I know, it were films before, but maybe he knows now that we're on his heels and he's got not enough time. We know him. I don't know how this could happen but I know that didn't want to wait at the cemetery till the hearse arrived. And I didn't check any death notes either."

Hotch sighed. His eyes lost focus as he hesitantly compared his memories with JJ's.

After what seemed an eternity, he nodded.

"Tell Rossi I need to see him. I don't want to confront the team with this as long as it's not absolutely necessary. We'll fly to Fayetteville and you'll come with us. Give the others a case of their own, preferably at the other border of the state."

"Okay, Hotch". Relieved JJ left the bureau.

Hotch reread the file. It totally went against his mind to cheat on his team, but it was for the best.

"Reid", he murmured, lost in thoughts, "why couldn't you just aim on his head?"

He closed his eyes, but the name was already buried deep inside his brain, deep and red and as dangerous as the first time that he had chased him.

Tobias Hankel.


	2. Chapter 2

"What's wrong, Aaron?" Rossi asked as soon as he had entered the bureau. "Why did JJ have to whisper that you want to see me?"

Hotch looked at him, clearly irritated. "Is there a problem, Dave?"

"Well…", slowly the star-agent made his way to Hotch's desk, "when I joined your team the first lesson I learned was that there is no "I" in here. No secrets, no solo attempts, it's always teamwork."

"It's not a profile case we're talking about right now." Hotch ignored the allusion to his own words. "It's about catching a murderer, not an UnSub. They only need us because we know his criminal background…and I need you to make sure there won't be a mistake anymore."

"Anymore?" Now Rossi was interested. "You mean you've already worked on that case? What happened? Wrong profile?"

"No, the profile was right…but once we got him, it was almost too late", the supervisor admitted. Anxiously he looked out of the window. Morgan and Prentiss were talking, standing at Reid's desk – the one that was the nearest to the stairs. As Morgan suddenly lifted his gaze his eyes met Hotch's and what he read there let him fall silent. The other agents followed his glance, but Hotch had his attention turned to Rossi again. The elder man had noticed the silent conversation, but he too didn' t say a word.

"I'll tell you all the details once we're on our way. The flight goes in forty minutes, and JJ will be with us when she's given the rest of the team a new case."

Rossi nodded thoughtfully, then turned to the door.

"Dave!"

Hotch took a deep breath. " I don't like this any more than you do. But I think it's the better way. So please…no contact to the others till we solved this one. Hopefully, we'll be back tomorrow morning."

There was something in his face that stopped Rossi from arguing. He nodded again and left.

"Hey, Rossi! Rossi! What's going on?" Frustrated by his colleague's ignorance, Morgan faced Emily and Reid. In their eyes he saw the same hurt and the same questions as he knew were written in his own.

"Dave and JJ will accompany me on a short trip", a voice said from behind. Calmly, Hotch closed the door to his bureau and went towards his team. "You'll have to get by without us for now."

"But…but why? Where are you going? Hotch, what's wrong?" Reid's gentle voice was filled with confusion.

"It's personal, Reid", Hotch declared. "We'll join you as soon as possible." Morgan started to say something, but he stayed quiet as he watched the expression on Hotch's stern face.

"Right" The SSa nodded and left.

Suddenly – far too late – Emily cried after him, "Hotch, what the hell's happened?"

"So what now?" Morgan asked. The others kept silent.

"JJ!" Emily saw the blonde woman first. She stood at the conference room's door and tried to smile, but it was a weak attempt.

Morgan stormed up the stairs, followed by the others, determined not to let her go without having an answer. As if she was a suspect, JJ thought – and again visions of the night appeared in her mind.

_They had divided to examine the barn, one from behind, one through the front door. She had a bad feeling about it; it was too dark around the farm, too quiet. The open door smiled at her like a gigantic jaw, confirmed by its blood-red colour. Shivering, she entered the building, her hands tightly clasped around her gun. She turned around after every step to check the door._

_She heard the growling too late. The cry that shook the night turned out to be her own as two Rottweiler galloped in her direction. Their flews were as red as the door as they showed their sharpteeth, ready to tear her apart…_

"JJ! JJ, what's wrong with you?" Worried, Emily grabbed her friend's arm.

JJ smiled again, more convincing than before. "Nothing. I'll give you all the information Igot, and then…"

"…then you fly away with Hotch and Rossi to settle something personal, we know", Derek interrupted her. "JJ, family is the only thing Hotch keeps away from us, from work. He'd never take one of us with him. So what's it all about?"

JJ closed her eyes. "I can't tell you, Derek", she whispered, her voice thick with guilt. "None of you."

Surprised, the agents stared at her.

"But there's enough work to do", the media liaison added, "there have been three women killed in L.A., all at home, all kind of stabbed." She handed them the files. " "The first victims were prostitutes, which led the LAPD to the conclusion that drunk suitors killed them." The others nodded. Alcohol revealed the most destructive parts of a person.

"The last victim, however, was Julia Talbot, a state lawyer. Okay..the LAPD awaits you, and I gotta go or they'll fly without me!"

JJ laughed, but it sounded more like a whimper. With a last, long glance to Reid, she fled the bureau.

Morgan watched her leaving, then turned around to Reid. "Why did she stare at you this way?"

The genius shook his head. The answer he gave was quite odd from him to be given:

"I have absolutely no idea."


	3. Chapter 3

„So Tobias Hankel was…is a psycho with multiple personality disorder. He is divided in Tobias, his tyrannical father whom he killed some years ago, and a person that calls himself Raphael. We've worked on the case three years ago. There were double and single killings, they were always announced by phone from inside the victim's houses, and the actual murder was presented in the internet via webcam. We only had one witness, Tobias. I sent Reid and JJ to ask him again about what he'd seen…it was a farm in the wilderness. When we lost contact, we went there at once, but…" The SSA closed his eyes. He still could not forgive himself to let them go out there alone.

"Hotch, it wasn't your fault", JJ said with determination. "We could have left immediately. Or at least we should have not divided!" The firmness with which she told him her arguments made it clear to Rossi that she longed to confess her "sins" for a long time.

"Raphael claims to be a messenger of God", the young woman now added, "he sees himself as the archangel that cleans the world from all that's bad and wrong…which seems to be everything. Reid and I…we parted to examine the area and…then there were the dogs attacking me and I shot them and…I hid and…", she fell silent, overcome of guilt and fear.

Hotch gently laid his arm around her shoulders. "It's alright, JJ. You did the right thing. You wouldn't have won against Raphael and the father." He turned his attention back to Rossi. "Tobias abducted Reid and hid him in a cottage on a march not far away. He filled him up with Dilaudid and tortured him. He forced him to help Raphael by deciding whom to kill next."

"And he let you witness it through the internet?"

Hotch nodded. "It was the first time we took Garcia with us. Nevertheless we would never have found Reid if he hadn't given us some hints. When we found them, Hankel was…he was dead, he had two bullets in his chest…"

"He was in coma", Rossi corrected. "He was in coma, but he was not dead. Even criminals are not immortal."

He looked deep into his colleague's eyes. "I understand now why you didn't want to bring the whole team in, Aaron, but there is something you both have to accept: The dead are is no hell-sent monster, revived from death. He is a murderous psychopath who wasn't prosecuted after being treated. These things happen. Now he is free again, and murdering again, and we have to stop him. That's everything that counts right now – and it is everything the police of Fayetteville needs to know."

The others nodded in agreement.

"Oh no", Morgan moaned. Emily laughed. "No beer?" She smiled gleefully as she watched her tall colleague forcing himself out of the small alcove in the BAU-reserve-jet. The agent rubbed his neck. "I checked the whole damn fridge…nothing. We don't even have water."

"Well, we'll soon be there", she said, trying to solace him. Morgan smirked, then he turned his attention to the other team member who had become oddly quiet.

"Reid, what's up?"

The young man seemed to be sunken deeply into their new case, but Derel knew him too well. He sat down beside hiem.

"Kid? What's wrong?" Reid shook his head, still not looking up. "It's just…has Hotch ever lied to us till now?"

"Not that we know it" Emily had asked herself the same question. "And he definitely never forced JJ to suffer our frustration when he's responsible for it. Today he didn't care."

"As well as he didn't care for us not to believe him for a second", Reid added. "If he didn't have to pass us to leave the bureau, maybe he wouldn't have said anything."

"But he tells JJ and Rossi?" Morgan asked. "That doesn't make sense." He pulled out his mobile.

"You're calling Garcia?"

No, Hotch. And if he doesn't answer, I'll try JJ and Rossi. He can't let us fly around blindly forever, we're a team!"

"Something happened", Reid whispered, his glance fixed on the sunset. Emily started to answer, but didn't as she felt that he would speak on. "The kind of JJ's staring at me…as if she had to tell me something but couldn't or…I don't know. I think she was at the wrong place at the wrong time. Hotch would never pull her into something if…"  
>"Maybe it's a very delicate case and JJ knows about it cause she brought him the file", Emily suggested.<p>

"But why couldn't Hotch tell us then that it's a delicate case?"

"Cause neither Hotch nor anyone else tells us anything", Morgan explained angrily. "I tried all of them, and nobody picked up. At the second round I got Hotch's voicemail: he's changed it for us!"

He dialed another time and put it on loudspeaker:

"SSA Aaron Hotcher, please tell me your name and number, I'll call back as soon as possible.

Morgan, Prentiss, Reid, I understand that you're angry. Please trust me. I will call you as soon as this is settled. Don't call before."

Emily was shocked. Not only had Hotch lied to them, he had also forbidden any contact! Deep inside fear started to tear her body apart. She knew this kind of isolation, had often seen it at her mother. After the Cold War, many spies wanted to live in the United States, and diplomat Prentiss had been in the counsel to decide over the visa. The spies had had to quit all bonds – private or in business – immediately. They had ordered them to leave everything behind, with the false promise to take their family when things were settled. This had helped not to wake the attention of the local police.

And now Hotch had said almost the same words all fromer spies had to tell their wives and children. Emily gulped. She surely would have known if Hotch…bullshit. She shook her head, laughed hysterically.

Morgan and Reid stared at her. The agent tried to calm down.

"Alright, boys. I just try to understand this." She pointed at Morgan's mobile.

Morgan demonstratively started to read the casefile.

Emily smiled at Reid as they both watched their colleague's childish behavior, but she noticed that his mind was elsewhere.

Reid, too, had built up a theory about what was going on, and Morgan's behaving confirmed it: Hotch had taken Rossi with him to a something that had to do with Reid. Something Hotch hadn't seen, but Rossi had.

Reid could only remember one situation – which meant there was just one situation – where Rossi and Morgan (but he definitely wasn't objective enough) had been at his side, but Hotch hadn't:

William Reid.


	4. Chapter 4

Aaron Hotchner was a very disciplined person. He had trained his poker face while gambling at the college, and his years at the Office Public Prosecutor had helped him to bring his unemotional behavior – or the professional calmness, as he liked to see it – to perfection.

Therefore, he didn't hammer against the pin board like Morgan would have done. He didn't wander around restlessly like Gideon would have done. And he absolutely didn't doubt himself and his qualities like Reid would have done.

All he allowed to himself was a slight shaking of the head.

It didn't fit.

"Hotch, we're ready?" JJ peeked into the room. She had spent the last hours rereading every single report they had about Tobias Hankel, working them up and then giving a press conference with the Fayetteville's police. Rossi was with the latest victims' relatives: two couples whose throats had been ripped open, a man hit dead and a girl of about one year. Her head had been smashed against a wall until her screams stopped forever.

"Not yet. We have to wait for David." That was only one of the reasons, however. Hotch's job had been to update the profile, compare the old videos with the photos they got now and, concerning the geographic profile, to search a 60-miles-in-radius-area for old farms.

It didn't fit.

"Do we really need to wait this long, Hotch? Rossi already spoke with three families, and we know Hankel!" JJ slowly approached the wall, her eyes glued to the picture of the dead girl. Hotch knew what perfectly well what was going on in her mind. It were only two weeks that Henry had celebrated his first birthday.

"We can't, JJ. The profile doesn't fit."

The agent turned around. "What do you mean? Hotch, it's Tobias, we know him, do you think I forget the guy that did all this to Reid? It's him, it is!"

"I know", Hotch tried to calm her, "I know, JJ, but…"

"Stop it, Hotch! I won't let him get away with it. Not anymore, I won't!"

Grown stronger with every dangerous situation they had lived through, JJ's motherly instinct broke through her calm façade. Her voice was filled with all the emotion she kept away normally: frustration, love, guilt,…panic.

"I've seen far too often how one of us just breaks into pieces because of a case, and how we can hardly patch him together again. I've told desperate families that we unfortunately don't know how we find their beloved ones far too often. I've been quiet far too often, Hotch, when I should have cried out, and it's enough!"

Tears couldn't wash out the fire in her eyes and started rolling down her glowing cheeks.

"I'm not a profiler, but I'm a mother! I know the edge where every bearing comes to an end. When Henry was born I swore to myself that no one I love should ever come near this edge. And I failed."

JJ shivered. As if she now couldn't bear the flood of emotions, her voice got drained from everything, monotonous, quiet, pale.

"I failed Emily when after Matthew's death she needed someone to just believe her. I failed Derek when he was messed up after Foyet had left him alive. I failed Penelope when she had to do our work at the fire case in Royal. I…I failed all of you so often though it is my job to make sure things work. I want to be a good mother to Henry, and I can't do that if I let his godfather get killed by the man I've not defended him from!"

"Reid is not in danger."

Without their noticing Rossi had entered the room. His eyes were soft but directly fixed on JJ.

Hotch tried to say something, but unshed tears made his voice hoarse.

"It is not, was never and won't ever be your duty to solve all our problems, JJ", Rossi kept on firmly. "You never failed any of us. In all the time I know you, you never failed. May I tell you why? Because you give all you can, because you are on the edge more often than anyone else of the team." He sighed and gently took her hands into his.

"Emily Prentiss is a very proud person, and I feel honored she talked to me about Matthew. I don't think she wants to share this story with more people than absolutely necessary."

"Oh, I…I'm sorry, Rossi. I…I didn't know she spoke about it to anybody…"

Embarassed by herself JJ pulled her hands out of Rossi's. She smiled swiftly, then turned back to the board. "That still doesn't explain…"

"JJ" Hotch's voice had gone calm again. "What Dave wants to tell you is that you can't be the only one to help all of us. In this team we help each other, and we have to accept if someone doesn't want our help. You can't expect Morgan to be grateful, knowing he almost died."

"For Morgan this situation confirmed one of his greatest fears", Rossi added, "not being good enough for this job."

"As for Garcia", Hotch took over the conversation again, "like you she is much stronger than we give her credit for. I've talked to her after the case. You are not responsible for our salvation, JJ. Believe me you do enough for it, just being here."

After some moments Rossi broke the awkward silence.

"The neighbors of Max and Sara Brennan said they received strange letters for some weeks before the murder."

Hotch's eyebrows rose. "Strange?"

"Very polite", the elder agent explained. "Polite, disciplined…no threatening. One of the letters was in the neighbors' mail box, unaddressed, so they read it. As far as Max remembers, there was nothing about a murder, but about redemption. No blackmail, no humiliation, only a quote from the Bible. The apocalypse…"

"So we have an organized killer", Hotch summed up. "Unfortunately this doesn't fit with the pictures we have from the crime scene. Obviously Tobias tears up the victims, dead and alive. Two different methods. They are partner."

"This would be great to know if we didn't know it before", JJ said. "It's Tobias, the father and Raphael." Hotch nodded.

"Something's wrong", Rossi argued. "There's something we don't see yet, a new point of distress that drives Tobias out of the clinic and back to us…anyway, JJ: Reid is not in danger. Hankel abducted him once and Reid won. Don't worry about him. Try at least."


	5. Chapter 5

Bite marks. If she was in a typical teenage movie right now, those things she saw would definitely be bite marks.

Being not in such a movie, however, all Emily saw were two frayed holes in the victim's carotid, and she didn't know where they came from.

Enquiring she looked at the coroner, which forced him to take his eyes away from her décolleté. He shook his head."Don't ask me what kind of weapon was used here. For any needle the holes are too wide, for any blade or screw driver or any other implement, they're far too small. All we knoe is that the weapon was covered with gold. We found some in the wound, exactly as with the other victims. Plus, they all had a lot of alcohol in their blood."

"Did they drink it by choice?"

"It's not my job to say that", the young man answered. "But if you wanna know my personal opinion, no it wasn't. These two bit…the prostitutes had half a liter of vodka in their stomach, each of them. As for the lawyer, she had C2. A whole lot of C2."

Emily's eyebrows rose. "And what exactly is this C2?" she asked, as the coroner kept watching her concupiscent. He grinned.

"Ethyl alcohol. A hundred percent, and again half a liter. The bleeding wouldn't have been necessary."

Derek was at a loss with what he saw on the former white wall in Julia Talbot's living room. A word was written onto it – with the woman's blood: "SINNER".

"So he's a religious fanatic", he murmured. Unfortunately, this obvious information was the only one they had.

"Reid, you got something?" he called over to his colleague. The younger man was staring at the floor for some moments.

"Just broken glass", he answered, "I think he killed her in the kitchen. Means the murder weapon still has to be here, too. What kind of weapon killed her, by the way?"

"The coroners still don't know." Derek frowned. It was the first time for him to remind Reid of the details of a case.

"I don't think we'll find anything the forensic guys haven't found yet", he said as he followed the genius into the kitchen. Reid didn't react, still staring at the floor. "Maybe they searched for different evidences than we do…"

"Reid." Morgan's voice was as soft as it was firm. Irritated, Reid looked at him. Morgan came closer, till he stood directly in front of his friend. "We've been working on this case for two days now, and you haven't said a word. Well, nothing productive at least" he added quickly as Reid wanted to speak.

"Hey kid, I know it's hard to work without the team, and harder even when we know there's something terribly wrong. But we can't change it. We got our case right here and right now, and these women deserve to be given all our attention."

Reid nodded. "I know." He tried to smile, but one skeptical glance broke it off. Abashed, he lowered his head again.

"Hey, guys" a familiar voice called from behind, "the coroner says the women were poisoned with alcohol, they would've died anyway!" Emily appeared in the kitchen. "Have you seen some pure ethyl alcohol around here? For if not, our killer took everything with him. He's very cautious."

"I don't think so", Reid said. Emily looked at him in surprise. "You don't think it's an organized Unsub?"

"No high-proof found, I mean."

Emily nodded slowly. She shot a glance at Morgan, but he only shrugged. He didn't know why Reid now started to answer rhetorical questions. All he knew now was that it had nothing to do with Hotch.

"Okay, so what have we got?" he asked. "We know the guy gets easily to high-proof alcohol, which is mostly used for medicinal reasons…"

"Which means we're looking for somebody working at the hospital", Emily said. "And I'm pretty sure that he's not a medic himself"

Morgan looked at her in surprise.

"A real medic would know what alcohol can do to a body. Why should he stab his victims with a gold-covered something? That only helps us to profile him."

"Her", Reid said calmly. The agent turned around. For the first time in what seemed ages, they saw a beacon of ardor in the young man's eyes. "We thought we had a sadistic serial killer that dazes his victims and then stabs them…so what if the stabbing is just some kind of distraction?"

"Distraction?"

"To hide the real crime, the poisoning. Poison is mostly used by women; over 90% of all poisonings are women's work. A sadist wouldn't want his prize to sleep during the torture. And even if he doesn't know the exact effect of such an amount of alcohol" he said, turned to Emily, "he would know that alcohol makes people sleepy. And…a normal-built man wouldn't need to be so cautious. None of the victims weighed more than 55 kilo."

"A woman, then", Morgan agreed, relieved to have the genius back on board."But why does she use such a special weapon? All these women were found in their kitchens, there are a lot of possible weapons. Is she playing with us all the time?"

"Either that or she takes her instruments with her, as she does with the alcohol. Maybe that's her style, or they are her trophies. In any case it helps her feel better. If she ignores the knives, however…maybe she was wounded by one", Emily suggested. She looked at Morgan. "What do you think?"

"That this is all mere conjecturing", he answered. "While we ignore the only hint that's really in front of us: the message on the wall. Why "sinner"? Why does she start sending messages right now, and how can it help us getting to know her?" He shook his head darkly.

"It seems logical to me that she's a woman, but…normally, religious fanatics are male. This here's much bigger than we thought."

"Earrings", Reid cried suddenly. He had searched the living room and now stood in front of a cupboard.

Emily and Morgan looked at each other again. "Earrings?"

"You mentioned trophies, Emily. When you get your ears pierced, you must wear some special rings for a few months, rings out of pure gold so there won't be an infection. All the victims had infections, as if their rings…"

"…were only covered with gold", Emily finished smiling. "That's it! In a clinic like that people also work with alcohol. And drilled into your neck, these things are surely pretty dangerous. We got our connection!"

"But all of our victims wore earrings when they were found", Morgan argued.

"But they didn't fit", Reid answered. "Connie Meldon wore a red corsage and black tights. Her earrings, however, were orange. That's a real bad mixture, speaking of color. Megan Rowland wore a violet corsage, and her earrings were yellow with green stars. I think our killer buys the earrings at random and then swaps them against the murder weapon."

Emily was impressed. "Right, I'll call Garcia to give us every ear-piercing doctor in the district."

Happily, the team left the crime scene.

"Hey, Derek, dream of all women's sleepless nights" Emily couldn't help but tease, "how come you didn't mention the color dilemma? I thought you're the expert on beautiful women!"

The agent laughed. "As glad as I am to be in your dreams, Prentiss, I think you forget the real mystery behind the case. Why does Reid know so much about earrings?"


	6. Chapter 6

_Sorry it took so long…I hope I'll update quicker now. Thanks for all the reviews, they always make my day!_

"What did you find out, baby girl?" "Good news, sweetheart…though bad ones for me." Morgan frowned. "What's wrong, Penelope?"

The technical analyst laughed. "I found out that I'm not as unique as I wished to be. And I found your piercing lady; her office is just about two blocks away from the last victim."

The last victim had been a twenty-three years old student. Her baby had been in the bath tub when the murder happened, and had drowned. It was the eighth victim of the poison-engraver.

"She's thirty-four, learnt apothecary, divorced since 2005, no children. Her name, and now beware, my fearless friends, is Penelope G. She's got my name! Only that the G. in her name stands for Gordon…"

Emily laughed. "Garcia, you are unique, and you're the best!"

"Yes, you are", Reid added, "and you're the only person to make Morgan behave himself!"

"Hey, what you're talking about? Just ignore him, baby girl. He was not really with us for a few days. I think he just needs to talk all the time now."

Garcia laughed again. "You'll get the information in a second. Don't let the other children beat you up, my chocolate teddy bear, and Emily, keep the boys in check. Call me if you need something."

Hotch sighed as he pinned the newest photos onto the wall. Now it didn't fit anymore at all.

"Where is she?" JJ read the words aloud. They were written onto the floor next to the last victim, over and over again, obviously till the pen had gone out. "He's changing his method", Rossi observed. "I think he gets braver. Twelve victims and we haven't caught him yet. He thinks he's invincible now. Now he dares to tell us his motive."

"You wanna say…all these victims till now were just hidden questions? They were nothing but…" JJ's voice trailed off.

"Means to an end" Hotch finished her sentence. He stepped away from the wall. "But who is "she"? And who looks for her, Tobias or his father?"

"Or Raphael…"

"I don't think that", Rossi said. "After all you told me about Hankel, I think that Raphael does not really choose his victims. For him, we are all sinners – therefore he could let Reid choose who to die next. He sees the devil in every one of us, and he would never ask for help."

"So it is a sign of weakness that he writes the questions now", Hotch accomplished. "The it has to be Tobias, thinking that neither angel nor father watch out for him."

"But who is "she"?" JJ asked.

"Maybe his mother?" Rossi assumed. Hotch shook his head. "She died when Tobias was six years old. Such a trauma would have appeared earlier, and the father would have stopped it."

"Why would he do that?" "Because he killed her."

The agents fell silent. "Okay", JJ sighed eventually, "I'll try to find out anything about girlfriends. But without Garcia, don't expect too much."

Deep in thoughts and filled with the feeling of absolute powerlessness Emily stared at the broken door. Reid and Morgan investigated the whole apartment, but she couldn't make herself follow them. Whether it was because of the thirteen months working without holidays or because of the five days totally isolated from the rest of the team – she had no energy left. The fear to fail had been her best friend since she was a child. But now it was about more than the perfect appearance on the red carpet of diplomacy. It was about people who died, died painfully, because she couldn't stop their murderer. It was about her, belonging to one of the best profiling units in the whole world, and still not knowing what she should look for. It was about the blood of all the dead people she felt on her hands now.

Slowly, Emily sank down onto the floor and closed her eyes.

"Prentiss!" Worried, Morgan knelt down beside his colleague. "Emily, what's wrong?"

"We don't get on ", she answered. Quickly she blinked her tears away. "Eight people are dead, and our only suspect is gone."

Morgan nodded bleakly. "I know. We don't have that much."

"We have nothing, Derek", Emily corrected sharply. "We're standing here like bloody beginners, and out there people are dying, they die like pigs in a slaughterhouse, and we're standing here and do nothing!"

"Hey, hey, we do something! It's not enough right now, but we do all we can! Don't you ever forget that! Come on!" The profiler hugged her gently. "It's all right."

Morgan looked back over his shoulder and saw Reid approaching them.

"We could not save these people, but we won't stop until we find their murderer. We won't forget them, and we won't let them being put into a cold case-file. No matter how useless we feel – everything we do for these people is more than anyone else does. Don't you ever forget that, both of you, okay? Because if we lose faith in our mission, there's nobody to stop all those mad brains out there."

Emily managed a weak smile as she stood up. Wiping away the last tears, she nodded. Reid also smiled. "We don't have nothing", he told his friends triumphantly.

"I found this journey magazine on the kitchen floor. Actually, I found four of them, and they're all from 2011. This magazine is printed in Las Vegas and the forwarding costs are very high, so there has to be something in it that is really important to her. An article or a raffle or…"

"Or the city itself", Morgan suggested. "This is a classy journey magazine. We gave it to our mother as a birthday present once, expensive and bad, but there's enough information for a flight in it."

"Right", Emily said, ready to clasp onto everything they had. "So let's go to Vegas!"


	7. Chapter 7

"The man we look for is twenty-six years old, blonde, 6 feet 13 tall and weighs about 180 pounds. His name is Tobias Hankel. He suffers from multiple personality disorder which is why he never got arrested though he killed twenty people and abducted and tortured one of our agents."

Hotch looked into the eyes of every single police officer as he spoke. Knowing that an FBI-agent had almost been another victim of Hankel shocked them, but it also boosted their ambition to catch him. The commitment between FBI and the police on the countryside had never been close, but everybody wanted to help the "big brother" taking revenge.

"He may seem harmless, but do not underestimate him! Remember, Hankel's mental illness constrains him to answer moral questions. Killing does not have to be a crime for him, it can also be a holy act, and he will be armed for this. If you find him, make sure not to threaten him! Just ask him to come to the police station so we can talk to him…"

"What?" Commissioner Wendell was shocked. "With due respect, Sir, there's a serial killer out there and you expect us to just talk to him?"

Hotch and Rossi exchanged a glance. Wendell had become chief of the unit because of his age, not because of his qualities. The other police officers had merely passed the academy; almost nobody was older than twenty-five. Wendell kept the command because the younger ones let him keep it. Now they were clearly ashamed by their boss's behavior. Rossi smiled.

"Yes, commissioner, that's exactly what I'm talking about. He became very earnest. "Hankel is looking for someone, we don't know yet, whom. Maybe he doesn't know, anyway. It is normal for schizophrenic people to talk about things that don't even exist – or with them, at least. Maybe this woman doesn't exist at all. We'll have to find out." With this, he dismissed the young ones. Only Wendell remained seated.

Hotch sighed. "I know this is not how you normally work, Wendell, but right now nothing can be more important than to stop Hankel from killing, no matter how. We will care about the etiquette later."

He turned round and faced the wall, as did JJ for the hundredths time. Hotch was amazed by her professionalism and calmness, but he knew how much it destroyed her inside.

They had been looking for six days now, and had nothing found but corpses. It had been Hotch's wish to present the profile only now. He hadn't wanted to haste, to probably overlook something. Too big was the danger – and, he had to admit, his own irrational, almost superstitious fear – that something might go wrong again. And he was determined not to let Hankel get away after all he had done to his team.

"Thanks for your support, Commissioner. We know how hard you're working to solve this case." Politely but firmly Rossi led the man to the door. "Go home, relax, and try to sleep. Maybe your team will catch Hankel this night. Thank you."

When the glass door was closed, he turned to his colleagues. "I know you don't want to hear this, but we also need some sleep."

The quietness that followed his words was answer enough. Not only had they been in Fayetteville for six days, they had also not slept more than five hours every night. Hankel's changed behavior had driven them to reread and reinvestigate every inch of his past. Why did he write these letters now? Why did he kill that cruelly?

"They're unleashed", Hotch murmured. Rossi shot him a sharp glance. "Aaron! Enough!"

"Something inside him, something controlling the contrasts inside him has gone. Reid has killed one part of Hankel and now…"

"Now he's taking revenge on innocent people and looks for a woman?", JJ asked skeptically. "Hotch, that doesn't make any sense." She took a step away from the wall, now pure exhaustion on her face. "What do we miss?"

"Right now we're missing everything", Rossi declared, "it is enough for today. Let's go and sleep!" Reluctantly but awkwardly relieved, the team left the office.

"Sir? Excuse me but we have someone!" It was 2:30 am. Hotch jumped out of his bed. "I'm here in a minute."

JJ and Rossi – who hadn't slept despite his words – were waiting for him.

Newly encouraged the agents entered the office. The interrogation room was in the back. Suddenly, Hotch stopped. "JJ, are you ready for this?"

Rossi frowned. "Ready? Hotch, she's no profiler!" But I'm here", JJ answered fiercely. "I am ready, Hotch!"

Rossi was definitely against this, but as he looked into Hotch's face he knew the decision was already made. JJ had the right to talk to Hankel. He took a deep breath. "Let's go."

In front of the glass window stood Wendell with two officers. "We caught him an hour ago, he was driving westerly, and his clothes were bloody. They're already in the lab. He said he only wanted to talk to the agent in charge.", one of the young men explained.

"Which seems to be you", Wendell added sourly. "Good luck, Agent Hotchner. The criminal is yours!" Without even looking at the others, he left. The other two remained, ashamed. Rossi smiled encouragingly.

Hotch and JJ stared through the glass. JJ put her hand over her mouth to stop the cry, and Hotch's face was cold and motionless as a stone. Alarmed, Rossi came closer. "What's wrong?"

Hotch only shook his head, but JJ, tears in her eyes, whispered the gruesome truth:

"This man is not Hankel."


	8. Chapter 8

Reid was kneeling next to the dark-haired woman, his face filled with exhaustion and hopelessness. Morgan stopped dead. Police officers, forensic experts and dockers were running around, all seeming extremely busy, but he hardly noticed it. His sight field had narrowed, the world had disappeared, there was nothing more to see – nothing more than his colleague and the beautiful, dead woman lying on the floor. She couldn't be dead or a long time, her body was still warm. As was the blood on her chest.

Morgan closed his eyes. He felt as if the ground was taken away from under his feet, a feeling he had had the last time when Tobias Hankel had forced them to watch Reid being tortured. The feeling of absolute helplessness.

Reid cleared his throat. "The, um…the victim…"

"She's got a name, Reid!"

The professor's head sank as he looked at the corpse. "I'm sorry. I know." Sighing, Morgan knelt down beside him. Gently he stroke the hair out of her face. "She suffered, and she suffered for a long time", he said quietly. Reid nodded shakily. Face, arms and neck of the dead were bruised, and she had been plunged many times. Her fingernails were broken. "She fought for her life", he murmured. "That didn't make it easier for her, but maybe…" "…maybe they'll find some DNA on her body." Morgan stood up. "Okay, let's go. The forensic guys will examine the victim. We'll check the profile again and then we'll go to her hotel room."

Reid smiled sadly. "Now it's you. She's got a name, Morgan."

"Yeah, I know…Emily!"

"Conference room, now!" Hotch left without paying attention to the bewildered looks of the police officers. Rossi wanted to follow him but turned round as he saw that JJ hadn't moved. Resolutely, he turned her around and led her to the small room. Once there, all spoke at the same time.

"I swear it, Hotch, he is alive!"

"Who's that guy over there?"

"Could he be a copycat-killer? Or a partner?"

"Nobody would work with Hankel!"

"Whom did they arrest?" "He doesn't even look like Hankel!"

"What the hell is going on?" Two pairs of lips asked this question.

Hotch looked at his agents. After what seemed an eternity of silence, he said: "I don't know."

"Why don't we talk to this guy? Even if he has nothing to do with Hankel, maybe he knows something!", Rossi suggested. Hotch nodded. "JJ, do you still want to talk to him?" The young woman shook her head exhaustedly.

"Right." In a moment, Hotch had won back his energy. "Look for any hints or signs of a partner in the killings before. Look at the pictures again, maybe you'll find something. Dave, let's go!"

JJ turned around and stared at the bloody sentences. She couldn't say how often she had looked at them before.

_Where is she…I need to find her…I will find her…I will find her…She may be saved …(_an unreadable part) _if she leads a life of belief, devotion and love… _Almost everywhere had the investigators found such messages. Hankel seemed to get desperate. As did they. Uncertainly, JJ turned around, her eyes locked on her bag. After a short glance to the door she grabbed it and looked for her mobile phone. She found it, dialed – and stopped. What she was going to do would have its consequences, and having Hotch angry was not the worst thing to expect. She herself had asked for secrecy. JJ took a deep breath, then she dialed again. No matter what, they had to stop him. Quickly.

Morgan didn't believe his eyes as he saw JJ's name on his phone. "I'm back in a minute!" Emily nodded, still bent over the corpse of Penelope Gordon. Morgan stormed off to the cars and picked up. "JJ?"

"Derek…hey. Um, Hotch and Rossi don't know I'm phoning you, so don't call back, okay? And please…please don't ask me what we're doing but…we need your help. And it's really important!"

Something in her voice stopped Morgan from shouting at her, telling her everything he had felt for the last days. "Okay, what do you need?"

JJ sighed with relief. "Thank you, Morgan. We got…we got a murderer. Until now, he killed without a pattern, he chose his victims randomly. And from one victim to another, he starts to write…things onto the wall with the victim's blood. Why?"

"What does he write?" _And why do all murderers write on the walls these days_, he added silently. "The most obvious message was where is she?, but there was found more later on, like I need her and I'll find her and…" JJ broke off. She couldn't tell him from the bible quote.

"JJ?" "That's all. Any idea why it escalates like that?"

Morgan sighed. She hadn't told him half of what she knew. "JJ, I…" "Derek, please!"

"Okay. I think your Unsub knows you're on his tracks. He's scared, and he is desperate. He knows that he has not much time."

JJ closed her eyes. A psychopath that felt his time had come – what would he be capable of? "And who is the woman he looks for?" "I don't know, JJ. I'm sorry."

The blonde nodded, even if her colleague couldn't see it. As he couldn't see the tears that streamed down her face. "Thanks anyway. How are you?"

Morgan laughed bitterly. "We're erring from one city to another, trying to find a psycho who poisons his victims with alcohol and stabs them later with earrings. And our only suspect has turned out to be the latest victim."

"Oh…I'm sorry, Morgan. I'm really sorry…for everything." "Yeah, me too." Thoughtfully, Morgan looked back to his colleagues. "JJ, I gotta go. Be careful, all of you."

"You too. And…no, don't greet them from me. Bye." "Bye."

Slowly, Morgan went back. "We found some DNA, they bring it to the lab right now.", Emily told him. "Who was that?"

"JJ." Morgan had sworn to himself not to lie to his part of the team. "Without having Rossi and Hotch knowing about it. They don't get along either."

"O woeful sympathy! Piteous predicament!", Emily said drily.

"What?"

"Romeo and Juliet, act three, the Nurse. How are they?" "I don't really know. But JJ didn't tell me much…though she wanted me to help, I…" Morgan shook his head. "Anyway, we won't find anything here. Either our Unsub is in Vegas now and will kill the next one this night, or Penelope was a decoy and we have to go back. What would you say?"

Emily shrugged. Reid cleared his throat. "If…if we stay here, which I think would be best, could I visit my mother? I mean, just if…"

"Of course, pretty boy. But first we have to check out Penelope's hotel room. Maybe there was a fight, or anything else that could help ?"


	9. Chapter 9

_Sorry for all the confusion, I hope this chapter will be better structured and more logical. _

Hotch's face was – once again – emotionless. He remained afoot when Rossi and the suspect sat down. The old "good cop, bad cop"-thing was popular throughout the ages and TV-series, but it still worked. For Rossi, this had always been an encouragement. Profiling, young though it was as a scientific method, worked. Of course you could never really look directly into somebody's brain, but you could make them let you look into it.

This, however, surprised even him.

Simon Lowell had confessed. Without hesitation he had told them about the twelve murders, in every detail. Now silence hung in the room, heavy and dark as the whole case. No matter which information they got, it only became more unclear and complicated.

After what seemed an endless moment, Hotch broke the silence, "Why did you kill all these people, Mr. Lowell?" The man grinned madly. "Because I wanted to." "And why did you write letters with quotations from the Bible?" Lowell's grin widened. "You wouldn't understand that." "Give it a try." Silence again.

Eventually Rossi decided to take the "bad cop" part.

"You don't know why you sent those letters. You don't know any reason for anything you did. Who made you do it, Mr. Lowell? What did he promise you for killing all those people?"

Lowell didn't even look at him. "You're the one who doesn't know anything, Mister. You just sit there and think what I did is cruel, but in truth, all these people were just…" "A sacrifice?" Hotch asked quietly. The man stared at him, bewilderment in his eyes. "Yes, indeed…but how do you…how could you…" and suddenly the grin turned into a real smile, "you're one of us! You're…you're one of His brothers!" Rossi and Hotch exchanged a quick glance and decided to play. "David, could you please...um…check the register for any youth crime record of murderer and victims? Now!" Rossi did as he was asked and joined JJ at the mirrored window. She looked at him in surprise. "What are you going to do?" Rossi sighed. "Lowell seems to be in a sect and he thinks Hotch' s also a member." He shook his head in concern. "Such things never end well." "Oh my god." JJ closed her eyes. "And what about Hankel? " "We can't concentrate on him right now. If Lowell is responsible for everything…" Both agents sighed. It just got more complicated.

Penelope Gordon's hotel room looked like a battlefield, but that obviously came from the old stains of sperm all over the walls and even the ceiling. Derek shook his head. They had nothing – again. Their only suspect was dead, and even if she had killed all those people – which he didn't believe anymore – they didn't know who had killed her. Emily came up to him. "You found anything?" "Nothing. I guess she never even slept in this bed. The blankets look like somebody was searching…something." "Yeah, but what was he or she searching for? And did he find it?" Emily said loud what they both thought.

"Nope, he didn't!" They turned around. Reid was standing in the door to the bathroom. "What have you got this time, Reid?" The professor held a business card. "Hillside Rivergate Hotel", Emily read. "This card looks pretty old. Is that a meeting point?" "That's what we'll find out!" Morgan stood up, new energy in his movements. He had had enough of being haunted. "We'll take a SWAT-team with us and pay a visit to whomever waiting there. Let's go!" Emily and Reid exchanged a skeptical glance. "Morgan, do you think that's a good idea?" She asked. "If the killer really is waiting there, then…" "Then it will be difficult to get him alone, especially because he has to know that we know where he probably is.", Morgan interrupted her, already half down the stairs. A strange fear had filled him since JJ's call. All he wanted was getting back to his team. "Reid, I'm sorry but the visit at your mother has to wait for now." As he saw the sad face of his colleague he added, "I'm really sorry, pretty boy. But I promise you, you're gonna see her this summer, even I have to drive all the way from Quantico myself, right?" Reid tried to smile. "Right. She doesn't like surprising visits, anyway. So what did JJ say?"

"So" Lowell's face was glowing with enthusiasm, "how comes you're a member? And how can you…how can you work with those people?" Hotch shrugged without saying a word. Luckily, he had not to speak that much, Lowell was like a waterfall, and had been for hours. Instead, JJ and Rossi had really checked his background, hoping to find something that showed a personal interest in the killings. So far they had found nothing; all the victims seemed to have been just deviation. JJ leaned her face against the cold mirror.

"When I start to think about it", the murderer frayed, "how they badly they treated the archangel…killed his father, just like that…" Above Lowell's head, Hotch stared at the mirror as though he could see his colleagues. And even if they knew it was impossible, both of them answered the glance. "Archangel", Rossi said. "Raphael?" "Who else?" JJ whispered hoarsely. Rossi was shocked when he saw the terrified expression on her face. "Jennifer?"

"He knew it", she whispered. "He knew we would find Lowell sooner or later. Morgan said he…"

"Morgan?" Hotch had joined them. His face and voice were hard from anger. "You called Morgan?" "Yes, I…we just didn't know what to do, remember, we had nothing!", JJ defended herself, tears in her eyes. "Hotch, Hankel knows we're right on his track! He knows we'll find him! It's not about these dead, they're just deviation for…" "We know this, JJ." Hotch's voice had become very cold. "That is exactly what we said three days ago, and Lowell confirmed it." His eyes lay on Rossi only. "Lowell said every victim till now was just an exercise for the one Raphael wants to save from hell. He'll kill her too, but differently. Whatever that means." "And does he know who she is?", Rossi asked. "Or where he should find him?" "No." Hotch seemed very old, and very tired. "He just talked about the devil's mother, living in the city of sin with the holey ears. Lowell was indoctrinated by Hankel, but I don't know what he's going to do next. And I think he doesn't know either."

"Yes he does." The expression on JJ's face had augmented to a level Rossi would not have thought possible. Even Hotch forgot his anger – for the moment. "JJ, what do you mean?" "Holey ears…Derek said that…oh my god!"

Three hours of driving later, Emily, Morgan, Reid and twelve SWAT-agents stood in front of a ruin. The hotel must have been burned ten years ago, and obviously nobody had been there afterwards. Fourteen mouths cursed softly, Reid remained silent.

"So what do we do now?" Special Agent Elridge looked at Morgan who wished for the hundredth time that Hotch would be there. "We go back", he finally said, "and hope that the CSI guys have found something. " And hope that nobody died during this odyssey, he silently added.

"Right, you heard the man!" Elridge shouted at his team, "Let's go back to Vegas!"


	10. Chapter 10

The jet had never flown so slowly. At first, JJ had thought only she had this feeling, but as Hotch looked at his watch for the third time in two minutes, she knew that they all thought the same thing. Nobody had said a word since she had told them about her suspicion.

Words hadn't been necessary.

While Hotch was trying to calm his thoughts, he recognized – once again – what a great team he had. They were there for one another and by now he knew they would always be.

After Haley's death, Hotch had needed time to find his way back, and they had given him this time, they had given him all the space and comfort he needed. They had talked with him, listened to him, sometimes just sat there and cried. He would never forget this. And though he still missed Haley, Aaron Hotchner had found that the BAU was his family as much as Jack was.

And now he might lose another family member. He checked his watch again.

Suddenly Rossi turned around. "Hotch, we have to tell Morgan and Prentiss! No matter what, we have to save Reid's life!" JJ stared at her boss in astonishment. "You haven't called them yet?" "I tried", Hotch answered shortly, "but they have to be in a dead spot." "A dead spot." JJ bit her lip to stop the hysterical laughter in her throat. It was too perfect. A dead spot, Reid and Hankel. Exactly as it had been then. "The LVDP said they drove westerly four hours ago. Whatever they're doing there, they'll come back. And then we'll be awaiting them." Hotch stood up. "I'll ask the pilot to drive faster, Dave, would you please try to call them again?"

"I'll see you in the evening, call me if you find something!" Reid turned around and disappeared in the crowd. Emily frowned. "I know he's damned skinny, but how can you move that fast in such a bulk?" Morgan, reading the reports from the lab, murmured something like "grown up here", but his minds were far away. They had found nothing on Penelope's personal properties. The Unsub had worn gloves…

"Derek!" Alarmed by his colleague's tone, he looked up. The agent stared at her mobile. "I got four calls from Hotch and two from Rossi!" "What?" Morgan checked his phone. "Five times Hotch, once Rossi. We must have been in a dead spot out there!" "And they called a lot of times", Emily stated. "There's something wrong!" Morgan snorted. "Maybe JJ told Hotch that she called me. I just hope he didn't call just to shout at me…wait, I got a message on the voice mail…Hotch, I should've known it!"

"Yeah, and Rossi spoke something on mine…" Quickly, Emily called her voice mail.

"_Emily, it's David Rossi. I understand that you, Morgan and Reid may be angry with us for leaving you in the darkness like that. But I need you to trust me now. I would like to talk to you privately, so if you put your phone on loudspeaker, could you just…"_ – there was a strange noise, and then JJ's voice rang through the line, obviously Rossi had talked too much for her – _"Em, JJ. Tobias Hankel is alive, trust me, he's your killer and he wants to kill Reid's mum. We thought we were following him, but he fooled us and now he's in Vegas, with your ear-pierced victims, Em, you can't leave Reid alone, okay? Just keep him close, Hankle never forgot about him, and he never forgot that Reid told him he'd shut away his mother! We're on the way now, we'll soon be with you, just watch over Reid!"_ – Rossi took over again – _"We already informed the local police and they're guarding the clinic Mrs. Reid lives in, so just stay where you are."_

Emily was shocked. The whole room seemed to spin around and she felt sicker than ever before. "Morgan?" Her voice was a bare whisper. They had let Reid run directly into a trap! He was alone and he was on his way to the psycho who already had tried to kill him, who had tortured him…

"Get in, Prentiss!" Without her noticing, Morgan had got the car. He obviously tried to stay calm, but there were lines around his eyes that clearly showed his feelings. "Pretty boy doesn't pick up", he murmured as he forced the car through the streets, clearly faster than allowed. "I guess he put it off now so he won't forget it later on." Emily opened her mouth to say something, but then stayed silent. Reid never forgot anything. If he didn't pick up, then…no. Why keep on tracing a thought she wouldn't be able to bear? And from the expression on Morgan's face she could tell that he couldn't bear it either.

"Speed up!", she just said. They had to stop Reid before he arrived at the clinic. They simply had to.


	11. Chapter 11

_Late to say it, but I hope not too late: THANK YOU to all who read, review and add this to favourite and alert lists, I'm so happy every time I get one of these automatically written mails…hope you keep on reading and enjoying it!_

They were too late. Emily knew it from the second they arrived at the parking lot, together with four police cars. They all were too late. "No", Morgan hissed, suddenly seeming overburdened by the simple task of parking, "no, no, no, this can't be true!" He killed the engine right where they stood and left the car. Emily stayed in her seat, shocked. "Morgan!" "What?" The agent shot her a glance that made her shiver. For a second, she found herself being afraid of her colleague, and then the FBI-instinct took over: "If you leave this car where it is, you're blocking the damn street for any back-up! Do you really think you can play the hero now, saving Reid on your own? We almost couldn't save him altogether then!" "So what are we supposed to do, Prentiss, waiting for help and watching him die? I've seen Reid breaking down, more often than anyone else of this team. No matter what he does, he never thinks he's good enough! When we found him, back in Hankel's garden, he was surprised. Not that Hotch found him, but that he looked for him! I swore I never would let the kid feeling alone and worthless like that, Prentiss" Morgan's voice had become quiet, but it shivered slightly from passion. "I will not let Reid down, never again. I swore it to myself, and I swore it to his mother. So if you wanna stay here and wait, it's okay for me. But I'll go in and save him!"

Both were very quiet after the outburst. Emily was the first to find her voice again. "I'll go with you, Derek, no matter what. But please – take your time to drive at least to that empty space over there, so Hotch and the others can come after us!" Morgan looked at the car as if he hadn't seen it before. "Oh…" "Yeah", Emily smiled, trying to give her voice a playful tone she didn't feel, "oh. Now give me the keys, and let's save our genius!"

Reid quickly passed the reception. Of course he knew where to find his mother. And he definitely wasn't in the mood to talk to Dr. Bradford. Yes, the doctor had supported him concerning his mother, but more because of the money than because of his oath. Bradford's greed, however, had only grown when Reid had been incautious enough to mention his own fear of getting schizophrenic one day. For years now he tried to convince Reid to take a room in the clinic, "just in case". This way busy of avoiding the clinic staff, Reid didn't notice the young blonde man standing at the elevators, and, as Reid approached, getting into one of them.

Reid's thoughts were circling around another problem now: what he was going to say to his mother. He didn't want to tell her about the splitting of the team. Would she even believe the truth? Diane Reid still was a professor, and though she wasn't working anymore, she knew how people had treated her once. Reid's stomach seemed to shrink into a fuzzy, hot ball somewhere in his guts. His mother said that she understood, that she was grateful for the decision the young Spencer had made. But deep down in his heart he was sure she despised him for being that weak.

Exhausted by his work and his thoughts, Reid stepped into an elevator, not yet pushing the button to go up. Maybe he shouldn't do it. Maybe he should just go back to the others. Even if the case now tore them apart – the BAU was his world. There he could do something against the evil he saw every day. The BAU was his home; the team was his family.

Reid gulped, trying to calm down again as he thought about his colleagues. He had fallen into a deep moral hole after Gideon had left, into the emptiness the exit of his mentor had left in his heart. Even without an eidetic memory, he would be able now to recite the letter the old man had written to him. He had read it hundreds of times; searching for solace in the words, for explanations, for the security that Gideon was happy now. Secretly, Reid still feared that one day, people would find Gideon's bones in the woods. Though – he was pretty sure Garcia checked the man's credit cards once in a while to see if he was still alive. She would tell them. In the brass mirror, Reid saw himself smiling as he now pushed the button to go up. As he thought about the rest of the team, his smile widened. They all had suffered from Gideon's leave. Still, nobody had begged him to read the letter. They had trusted him, and they had accepted that their mentor had wanted to justify himself only to one person. Reid still didn't know though why he had been that person.

"_Because he admired you most, Reid. Because he saw all the potential in you – apart from you super-brain. You never gave up, not as a kid, not as a student, not even as the eternal genius of the BAU. Gideon was the first to accept that brainwork is as important as instincts and experience in this job. Many of the first profilers were afraid of being replaced by theoreticians. Gideon took a big risk in supporting you, kid, and you never disappointed him. Honestly, I think…if it hadn't been for you, Gideon would have left the BAU much sooner. Maybe right after Boston. You taught him to believe in our work again. And in mankind."_

Now as then, these words sounded ridiculous – wrong maybe, he couldn't tell. If JJ or Garcia or Emily had said that, he would have seen it as the nice blandishment his female colleagues use to make when they thought he felt not like a part of the team. But hearing those words from Derek Morgan was quite different. Reid knew how Morgan had longed for acknowledgement by Gideon – he had seen the joy in the other's eyes when he'd told him about Gideon's words. Thousands of years ago, when they had taken down a bomber in Seattle. Morgan had – in his typical cruel self-destroying way – refused to leave a possible victim alone.

Thousands of years ago, before Tobias Hankel had shown up. Reid closed his eyes. No matter how much time had passed: still he woke up sometimes at night, twice, five, eight, twelve times – woken by his own cry because he thought about how Tobias, no, Raphael, was forcing him to choose again who should live or die. Or how he was injecting him the dilaudid. Or how he hit him…

Reid took a deep breath and tried to get his thoughts back to the moment when he had smiled. The BAU. His family. Rossi, who managed to take Gideon's place without trying to be him – yeah, somehow he already belonged to this family. Emily, Garcia – fairy godmother of Henry as much as of the whole team -, Morgan… While he left the elevator, Reid noticed that his smile was returning, wider than before. Hankel yes or no, he was lucky enough to live in a world where people like Rossi and Garcia and Emily and Morgan were, and more still – he was lucky enough to live in a world where there was Jason Gideon, Jennifer Jareau and Aaron Hotchner. Yes, he had been in love with JJ once, but that was long ago. What he felt today was something deeper, stronger. Reid loved the blonde agent with all his heart; and he would die for her as much as for his godson. But he had stopped getting nervous when he saw her. Far from it, JJ had become a saf harbor for him. One of the two people he spoke to without thinking much. One of the two people whose mockery he never feared.

The other one, of course, was Hotch. Aaron Hotchner was the greatest leader Reid had ever seen. He was two hundred percent loyal; to the FBI, but even more to his team. Hotch had, as much as Reid, as much as maybe Rossi, found his absolute appointment in fighting the evil. Seen from now, Reid knew that Haley had had to go one day. Hotch had abandoned himself to his job; disclaiming any private life was a sacrifice he made without much thinking. Of course, he had loved Haley with all his heart, of course there was nothing more important to him now than Jack – but Reid knew that Hotch would also die for him, for everyone of the team. Maybe he would even die for Chief Strauss, just because she was a woman and part of the BAU.

He stood right at the door. Reid sighed. He was not ready yet. Like a black shadow over his sunny memories lay the fact that Hotch had divided the team. Why? What had happened that they couldn't even talk to the others?

The genius closed his eyes. It would do no good thinking about it now. Hotch had given them an order and Reid would never ignore his words. Still… lost in thoughts, he went over to the fire escape. A quick glance onto his watch showed 4:42 pm. Almost one and half an hour to visit his mother. He had time. And confused like that he couldn't show up at his mother, anyway. Reid entered the staircase and sat down.

"Would you please let me drive, sir? FBI!" Rossi took over the cab, not because he was sure to drive faster than the original driver but to have anything to do. He hated it when colleagues – friends – were in trouble because of the good they had done. "Penelope, where do we have to go?" "59 straight ahead till Hillside, then 18. You should be there in fifteen minutes." The tech analyst sounded quite calm, but her makeup was a mess. She was lucky the others didn't see her like that. Stupid, cheap, water-dissolving stuff! "Not that this is really important now", she murmured rather to herself. "What?" JJ leaned forward to understand her friend through the loudspeaker. "Nothing, all's well…yeah…just go. I already called the clinic, I gave them your number, Hotch, and Derek's number, too. But he doesn't pick up, and neither does Emily, I…" "I guess they're already in the building by now, Garcia. The break is miserable there. Calm down!" At least Hotch had found his calmness again. Right now he could do nothing but trust Reid to survive and Rossi to drive fast enough. He had decided to do both.

Tobias had recognized Reid, had called for him like a child and pointed his fingers onto him as if he would get some sweets for it. Rapahel smiled. Maybe there would be sweets later, now he had to find the sinner. Unfortunately the clinic restored the information about their patients really safe, and he didn't know yet where the woman was living, but he knew her son would guide him to her. The last battle had begun: the sinner himself would guide the archangel to the prize, the last untouched, innocent soul in the whole city.

Quietly he ran down, ran down the fire escape.


	12. Chapter 12

The hunter's breath went fast; too fast, thinking of the things he had to do now. Things he needed to be calm for. At least now he knew what he had to do. Deep down he had known it all the time, but he hadn't wanted to accept it: He didn't want to kill just like that, an unarmed man. Well, unarmed with mechanical weapons, of course: In his brain, the young man carried a more terrifying weapon, a cocktail of weakness, hatred, malice,… fear.

Fear was what was paralyzing the young man, what made him look up when the hunter approached. Panic that choked everything inside him, the revolt against the impossible, the hatred, the braveness – as the man and his gun came nearer, it all died. His brain. His heart. His soul. Gone.

Panic became words and flew out of his mouth, "You…no…no, how…" The gun approached further, black and cold as his eyes.

Deep down in the ruins of a great brain arose a final knowledge: _It is over_.

"It is over", the hunter echoed, but his voice was not so filled with hatred as he had expected. It was more…relieve?

The young man closed his eyes and waited for the shot.

JJ jumped out of the car before the engine had stopped. Rossi and Hotch followed her, less elegant but as determined as their colleague. Four taxis were driving behind the taxi which made 4o policemen in the area – about five times more than normal. Rossi looked around, scowling. "All these uniforms will upset the patients." "We can't consider that now, Dave", Hotch said shortly, "it's better to be upset without reason than to be calm with Hankel around here." They had reached the officers at the main entrance. Hotch showed them his badge. " SSA Hotchner, FBI, it's my agent you're trying to save here. What 's happened already?" "Nothing yet", a young woman answered. Her badge said she was the officer in charge, Sara Blakeney. She led the agents round the building. "I have men on every entrance, here at the main, at the staff entrance in the east and at the supplier's entrance. It's all quiet till now, the staff also hasn't seen anything, neither your agent nor Hankel. But your other agents went in twenty minutes ago, I guess-." They were at the supplier's entrance now.

"How many of your men did you send in?", Hotch asked. Blakeney dropped her head. "I sent four…four of my best agents just to check if anybody had seen anything. I know, we should have waited for you or for a warrant, but…" "You did the right thing, officer. Thank you!" For the first time in about two weeks, Hotch smiled, and not only JJ felt the warm power that glowed fromm that smile. "You may have saved Reid's life by doing so. Now we'll take over!"

The entered the building. Two doors were leading away from the entrance; one was the official staircase, the other one led to the fire escape. After a short glance, JJ entered the fire escape while Hotch checked the other stairs and Rossi watched the elevators.

Floor per floor they observed, guns ready to fire, afraid of everything that could be expecting them. Rossi quickly joined Hotch.

He knocked on the dark door. Diane Reid, deeply sunk into her book – the _Ilias _in the old greek version – didn't hear it. The noise of the battle, Hector's cries as Achilles chased him around Troy, was too loud for it.

The doors had been open, a sign for him. He didn't believe in coincidence.

The young man's steps got slower as he came nearer. At the door to the living room he stopped. This part now would be the hardest, though he had been looking forward to it.

He took a deep breath. This was not about a sinner, this was about Diane. He stepped in.

"Mother?"

Halfway up the fourth floor, just after the second corner, JJ stopped dead. Her breath was strangely loud in her own ears as she recognized that she had not been ready to see that. She had seen it in her mind, of course, she had played it over and over again, but she had not accepted it as a form of reality. Not until now. Not even now. She was paralyzed.

"Morgan, do something… oh my god, JJ!" Emily's cry was half a sob, half joyful, half desperate. It was enough to bring JJ to life again, however. She held up her weapon, though not aiming at anybody in particular, and looked up into Morgan's face. He was kneeling three steps above her, every muscle tensed. Some more steps above stood Emily, a single tear rolling down her face. JJ had never seen her friend cry.

It was almost unreal how they stood there, as if time itself had been paralyzed. Strange enough, nobody made any attempt to do…anything.

Not until Rossi and Hotch entered the fire escape – after they had waited far too long for JJ – life came back to three of the four persons at the stairs.

Diane recognized her guest only when he gently took the book out of her hands. "That's a robbery!", she declared, and then, louder, almost hysterically, "how do you dare coming into my home and stealing my book from my hands? Who are you? Do you even know what you have done? Has your mother taught you nothing?"

The visitor sighed. "Yes, she has. You have. Mother, it's me. Spencer."

"Of course!" Diane laughed ironically. I know my son when I see him. My son is god boy, and he is a genius, even if he is a terrible coward." "Mother, please…" "Don't you dare calling me mother!", she shouted. "Don't you dare seeing yourself at the same level as him! I don't know who gave birth to you", she pulled up his chin to look for any similarities in their faces, "but I know that it wasn't me." She turned away. "And now please leave before I call the guards. If you want to promote, send me a copy of your dissertation. But not like this. Not like this."

"Mother…" But it was hopeless. She didn't recognize him as he was. He hadn't thought about that. Well…he knew what to do. Slowly he pulled out a specially prepared handkerchief and held it on face height as he approached her. "Professo Reid?"

Diane turned around.

"Dammit, Morgan, JJ, calm down!" The hysterical edge in Emily's voice was no help to underline her words. The agents, however, didn't seem to have noticed it. Not even Hotch did anything to change the situation. Emily's eyes searched Rossi's and found them, filled with helplessness. She didn't belong to them. It hurt to know it, to get to know it that way, but it was true. Yes, she had worked on the Hankel-case. Yes, she had been worried about Reid. But she had not been a part of the team then, she barely had known Reid before Hankel had come.

And now it was the same: For her, there was nothing left to do now. As if every energy, the anger, the frustration, the worry had disappeared. Now she was filled with rational, cold emptiness.

"We got work to do", Rossi said, gently but firmly, handcuffs still in hands, and Emily nodded.

It wasn't over now, not yet. Why didn't Hotch, JJ and Morgan see?

Morgan eventually said, "It is over." JJ looked up. Morgan breathed heyvily, as if he had just run a marathon.

Suddenly the person at Morgan's feet moved. The young man gasped and tried to speak. Paralyzed again, the agents stared at him. Hotch was the first one to move now, he quickly went over to the other and helped him to sit.

"Reid?"

The man smiled. "No", he whispered, "no, nay, never…" Worried, Hotch laid him down again, obviously the man was in shock.

"Yes", Hotch said firmly, "Special Agent Doctor Spencer Reid." Teras rolled down JJ's cheeks as she heard her friend's name.

The man tried to get up. "Stay down", Morgan hissed, but the other didn't react. He stood up.

JJ shot.


	13. Chapter 13

Time stood still.

The echo of JJ's first shot had not faded when Morgan fired, too. Emily felt her own hand jerking at the trigger. She saw Tobias Hankel breaking down in slow-motion, hit by the hatred and fear of three agents who had seen too much death, too much loss.

It was unrealistic. The noise. The blood. Was she really shooting? Was she still shooting?

"It's enough! Prentiss, Morgan, enough! Jennifer!" Hotch's voice easily drowned the riot, but it didn't make its way to the three. He wanted to stop his agents – they needed Hankel, he probably was the only one who knew where Reid was – but he couldn't move. It took some torturing seconds for him to realize that it was not the horror that paralyzed him. It was Rossi. The elder agent had caught him at the shoulders to prevent him from running straight into the cross fire. Helplessly, the men had to look at the bloodbath only a few steps in front of them.

"He is dead!", Rossi shouted.

Then Hankel was lying on the floor.

"He's dead when I say he is!"

Breathing heavily, Emily let her gun drop. The blood whooshed through her ears like the time that had finally come back. Shocked, she stared at the corpse, then at her colleagues. Morgan took a step away, his gun also dropped onto the floor. His eyes, however, didn't lie on Hankel, but on Hotch, and Emily saw a begging for forgiveness in them – but no remorse.

And as she slowly stumbled down the stairs towards Rossi, she knew that she didn't feel any remorse either. Repentance, yes – regret that it had to end that way. But…

"I'm sorry, Hotch", Morgan said hoarsely. Suddenly he seemed very tired. "But he would've hunted Reid down till one of them died."

"Yes, he would have." Rossi let go of Hotch, his eyes filled with all the remorse and sadness that Hankel's murderers didn't feel. "But this should never have happened."

Morgan shot a glance at the corpse, then slowly walked down the stairs, avoiding Emily's eyes. Hotch ignored him as he had ignored Prentiss. He only had eyes for the blonde, still beautiful woman that was hovering over the corpse, observing him. "Five in the chest, four in his stomach…one in the throat…" "…and three bullets directly aimed at his face", Hotch completed. JJ looked up as he stood beside her. "Morgan's right. He would never have stopped!" Tears shivered in her voice and rolled down her cheeks, but the fire in her eyes was the same as when she had shot Jason Clark Battle. She never had shot somebody before, but the bullet had been aimed perfectly – through a glass door. Battle had threatened her family, and she had reacted instinctively. Hotch knew the expression, Haley had looked at Jack this way whenever he was ill. She probably had looked at him the same way before Foyet…he took a deep breath. Part of him understood the madness that controlled JJ, but he mustn't show it. To nobody.

"By which law did you have the power to sentence this man to death?" Emily and Morgan winced at Rossi's tone, but JJ only shook her head. "If Spencer had seen him, if he had recognized him…Hotch, he is not over it! And we…" "…we're not over it either." This time Morgan completed his colleague's sentence. "But you think we didn't have to kill him, Hotch, don't you?"

Eight eyes were staring intently at the team leader, but before he could say anything, Rossi – clearly fearing that Hotch would not be objective enough – cried, "Of course you didn't have to kill him! We are here to fight the evil, and that is impossible if we do it ourselves! If…"

"With all due respect, Rossi", Emily interrupted and hated herself for it in the same second, "but you don't know Hankel! Maybe he was an innocent man right now, but this guy had two psychotic parts, he killed, he tortured, he abducted Reid!"

"I know what this man did, Emily. But as you said, this was only one part of him. Tobias Hankel was innocent, and for this he was under the protection of the law. Under our protection."

"What, you mean we should have helped him finding Reid's mom and kill both of them?" – "Is there really only black and white for you?" – "He abducted him, for God's sake! That bastard forced him to take drugs, and he…"

"Enough!" This time, his team listened. Hotch looked into the eyes of every one of them before he stared to speak again. "When we began to work at the FBI, no matter where we came from, we swore an oath. We vowed to do our best to help people around us live in peace. When we are called, we don't fly miles to punish the criminal, but to save the innocents. I know that this is difficult, especially when you see so much evil and cruelty as we do every day. And I know that we all have lived through cruelty in our lives." He broke off as his personal picture of cruelty wound its way up to his inner eye and let his words drop into his agent's heads.

"In my time as a lawyer I often saw police officers admitting murders without any sign of remorse. They were convinced to have done the right thing, the only way." Now he looked directly at Morgan. "This must never be an option for us. We're not here to judge. Our law allows every American to defend his life, but violence must never be acted with intent. Especially not from us."

Morgan nodded, JJ bit her lips. Rossi seemed to wait for a conclusion, and Emily frowned skeptically. Hotch answered her questioning glance. "Prentiss?"

"I just wonder how an ex-lawyer who is pro death penalty can be the right person to teach us about self-justice. Do you really think an injection is much nicer than this?"

Hotch nodded. He had expected Prentiss, who had grown up in Europe, to protest.

"I don't say the system is perfect. But yes, I think that every judge's finding would have been better for Hankel than what you did to him." He pointed at the bloodstained corpse. The face was torn into pieces. Even if Reid would have heard the shots and even if he then would have checked the stairs and even if he had seen the dead man – he would not have recognized Hankel. And nothing else mattered to JJ and Morgan, Hotch knew it. All of them had crossed boundaries to get to that point, and no one looked back.

"This must never occur again", he said calmly. "We will send the police home and call the CSI, and they will ask why this man has thirteen bullets in his body. This is your responsibility. I will try to keep Chief Strauss out of it, but if I ever see one of you murdering again, I will arrest you, and charge you for both. Everyone. As I expect you will do for me."

The three younger agents nodded silently. They all knew that if Hotch hadn't killed Foyet, he would have arrested them already. The team leader took them in again, then nodded, too. "Right. Then we should go. Dave, please tell Blakeney and call the CSI. Morgan, you call Garcia. Tell her to make sure Reid can fly back home whenever he wants, and that we'll be back soon."

Emily was stunned. "That was it? We just leave Reid, without any protection, and later we tell him we're all friends again? Just so?"

"What would you want to do else, Emily?" It was obvious that Rossi wasn't satisfied with Hotch's speech. Or with the reaction of the team.

Well, they all would grow together with this case.

"Dave's right. You proved that you care for Reid, now show him that you trust him. He is as much an agent as every one of us."

"We know that, Hotch!" JJ cried. Suddenly her mobile rang. "Agent Jareau?" Her face darkened again. "Yeah, yes of course. We…yes, we're on our way already…we will, Sir, I promise we will…see you." She hung up. "You know, I think Hotch's idea is great. Spencer deserves some holiday." Hotch frowned. "What's wrong?"

The young woman sighed. "That was Commissioner Ryder from Fayetteville. Wendell was found today, dead, with pierced ears and…genitals. And Simon Lowell is gone."

"Simon Lowell?" – "The murderer who helped Hankel by laying a wrong track.", Hotch explained. "Prentiss, call Reid, tell him he's got time, we're in Fayetteville. JJ, you call Dr. Bradford – as soon as we're back, you, Prentiss and Morgan will make a therapy for posttraumatic violentic disorder. There won't be an excuse for not coming. I will not again endanger a case because my agents can't control themselves, is that clear?"

"Of course, Hotch." Derek and JJ knew what their boss was alluding on. Four years ago, Elle Greenaway had endangered a whole investigation. There was never a proof that she had actually murdered the man, but…

Hotch sighed. "Wendell was not the best cop Fayetteville had, but he has a right that we pay him all our attention."

"Semper Fi", Rossi murmured. JJ smiled sadly. "Let's go."

The forensic guys would be there soon, and Hotch would beg their boss to be discret about the whole thing. Nobody would believe in self-defense, so he would tell him the whole truth. He only hoped that somewhere up in the FBI-leading rank was somebody that understood the terrible fear for someone you loved. Right now, he knew, there was nothing they could do. They had to return to Fayetteville and do what they were trained to do: save, not avenge.

The chapter "Hankel" was over. Raphael would never hurt Reid again.

Hotch bore Rossi's accusing glance only because he saw Reid's pain-filled face in his mind. Quickly he went down the stairs. His team followed him without looking back.


	14. Chapter 14

Reid hadn't noticed the shooting, or the policemen coming and going again (though quite unwillingly).

His entire attention was directed at the small woman that stood crouched over the heavy handkerchief he had brought her. It was made of silk, and had been an heirloom of their family for three hundred-fifty-eight years. It had been passed on to every female relative till 1911 when the bank in Switzerland, where the fabric had been stored, was robbed. The kerchief had disappeared then, and Diane herself had only known it from stories. Until now. Her fingers were stroking the fine embroidery over and over again, looking for a proof that what she saw was the same she had heard before. That the cloth the young man that claimed to be her son was more than just a mere cloth.

Reid had proved it for himself. A chemistry student who he knew from a case long ago had made a c14-analysis, and an art teacher from the same university had confirmed that the fabric was made in the 17th century. Besides, the description of the handkerchief was the only bedtime story he had ever heard. It was the right fabric. But would that be enough to prove he was Diane's son? That he loved her, in his own craven way?

He swallowed heavily. "I let some experts examine it, m… They all say that it is our…"

"Of course it is ours!" With as much dignity as possible when your eyeliner is smeared all around your face, Diane Reid straightened up. Her eyes flashed, but it was only a bit of madness in them. Most of the light seemed to come from a deep peace of mind, a peace he had not seen in her for many years. "This fabric tells us the story of the fall of Troy and the tale of Siegfried the Dragonslayer, as if they had happened at the same time. It was made in 1653 in Lyon by Francois Arnaud and since then it has been our property. It is mine as it would have been my mother's if her aunt wouldn't have let it be stolen, and it was her mother's before. I have looked for it my whole life long, as my mother has looked for it because this is our holy grail and nothing and nobody can take it away from us, even if it takes our lives…we will protect it as we would protect our children…" she broke off, gasping.

Reid grabbed her arm to prevent her from breaking down. He tried not to think about what he had heard. The cloth was as important to her as he was. Worse still: It had always been. He didn't know if this was a sign of paranoid schizophrenia in his family through the years or simply of social inability. But basically, he should not be surprised. He always had had to care for himself, so why not also for a piece of silk? This thing had the same value as a little sister would have, he had to keep that in mind…it had, basically the same value as Henry…

A dry laughter escaped his throat, born from the sobs he choked down. Diane stared at him, severly and shocked. "You're laughing?" "Yeah, it's just because…" Tears of disappointment and exhaustion rolled down his cheeks now. Again, Reid caught himself wishing to run away, getting back to his team. This wasn't his world. He wanted to make Henry giggle and JJ smile, he wanted Garcia to make him laugh, he wanted Morgan to tell him that everything would somehow make sense. Even if he knew that often enough Morgan didn't believe what he was saying himself. Spencer Reid wanted to go home.

"Spencer?" He looked up. She had used his name! Did she know him? The tears left for a smile to come. So it would be a goodbye in peace. Diane had her holy handkerchief, he had his team – and some problems with Hotch if he wouldn't be at work soon.

"It's just – I'm happy the two of you are together now! I mean the handkerchief and you…you as a literature teacher, that's the best end a journey can have. You even could write a book about it!" He took a few steps back, taking in his mother for what he thought the last time. "I've got to go back, mother…we're on a case right now and…"

"Spencer!" Diane broke the invisible boundary she normally built up for her own security and wrapped her arms around her son. Reid froze. He couldn't remember her hugging him ever before. But did that really matter?

Diane Reid smiled as she felt her son hugging her back. She had not been that clear for a long time. "You're too skinny, boy", she said, only half to prevent her from crying. Spencer laughed. "I'm fine, mother." With fresh tears rolling down his face, he savored the feeling of holding his mother and, for once, being held himself. After a while – too short for Reid – Diane let go of him and looked straightly into his eyes. He saw it clearly now – the madness had gone. The pride and love that filled them now, however, was as heavy to bear as the madness had been, and overwhelmed, he looked down.

"Spencer, look at me when I'm talking to you!" Her voice became soft now, gentle, and warmer than ever. "This journey has not found its end only because you're a man. Thanks to you I can write my part of the story now, but that's only a chapter. One day you will have a wife, and then I will give the fabric to her so she can give it to her daughter. And I will tell my granddaughter the story before she goes to sleep…" Diane's smile filled the whole room and Spencer couldn't help but smile back. Yes. He didn't know exactly how to find someone who would marry him, but…yes. That was how it was meant to be. "I will tell her she hast to know the story by heart when she's three years old", he promised, and Diane laughed. "I hope so, son. It would be a pity if your brains went lost - and you know that a genius won't be discovered if he or she doesn't learn and work very hard. But you do work hard – and you have to go now to work even harder, don't you?" She went into the kitchen to hide her disappointment, but it clearly rang in her voice.

"I'm…I'm afraid yes, but…wait, I'll check it out…" Quickly Reid took out his mobile. Someone had called him seven point two minutes ago, he had heard it vibrating, but he hadn't dared to pick up then. It had been Emily, and there also was something in his voicemail. Had they found something?

"_Hey, Reid, it's Emily. I…actually I really have no idea why they want me to tell you, but…we're in Fayetteville right now, or we're on our way, Morgan and me and the others, we have to check our cases for…parallels. Concerning you, greetings from Hotch, you're on holidays for three days. Seems like Strauss has a problem with our working hours…just…just don't worry, okay? Keep relaxing for me, pretty boy and…see you then!"_

Eyebrows raised, Reid put his mobile back into his jacket. Emily's voice had been very calm, but something just seemed to be wrong. Why were they together now? And why wasn't he supposed to be with them?

No, he silently told himself. It was enough. Enough suspicion about the people he loved. He belonged to the team, his abduction had proved it…for another moment he was caught by the gruesome memory, but he stopped it. He even had suspected his mother not to love him…it was enough!

He would use the chance he had got. He would use his experience and his knowledge, as Morgan had told him – in one of those moments when neither of them had believed in Morgan's words. _"Use your experience. To become a better agent…a better person."_

Yes, he would. "Mother, I'm on holidays! Worked too much…I'd really like to stay a little longer. Mother? Mother?"

As she entered the jet, JJ's mobile rang. She picked up without checking the display. "Agent Jareau?"

"JJ…" Reid's voice broke off, choked by tears. JJ froze right before the door. "Spencer, what's wrong?" Morgan who walked behind her gently shoved her into the jet, closed the door and sat her down on the next sofa. Anxiously the team hovered around her.

"Spencer, please tell me what's wrong! How are you?"

"JJ I think I…I think I just…oh my god, JJ I just killed my mum!"


	15. Chapter 15

_Right…first of all, thanks to all who read, alerted, favorited and reviewed here, you make my day every time! _

_And I have to say sorry to all of you. I know that my language should be better, and that my writing makes the story more complicated than it would have to be. One of my New Year's resolution is to reread my stories more often before I post them. And I am sorry if the characters are too OOC very often. I try to keep them as natural as I think and see them in my mind. _

_This chapter, however, will mainly summarize and explain…at least a bit, I hope. Have fun!_

Now time didn't stand still. Not at all. Emily could feel the baffled, deafening silence lying on top of the team's heads, creeping into their ears, closing their eyes. Wordless seconds dropped into the room, and all she could her was her own breath, sounding strangely loud in the small space.

JJ seemed as if she didn't breathe anymore at all.

Hotch tried to speak, but remained silent – it was the first time Emily saw her boss speechless. Under other circumstances, it would have been funny…Rossi shot her a warning glance and stopped the hysterical smile that started to build in her throat. Emily closed her eyes. Someone had to say something! Anything.

"Reid!" Morgan's voice faded, he shook his head. As he saw the entreating expression on JJ's face, however, e forced himself to speak on. "What happened?"

Now the silence grew on the other end of the line, and Emily could feel it stretch and reach out its fingers to them.

"Hey, pretty boy, talk to me! What's wrong, where are you? Did you talk to your mother…" "She's dead! She's dead, Morgan!", Reid screamed. "She's dead and I killed her! She's lying on the floor, right there on the kitchen floor, what else do need to know? She never hurt anybody, stop seeing me as the victim here, I'm not a victim, I'm the killer..." His voice became very quiet now, almost oddly calm. "I don't belong to the team anymore, so stop treating me as if I did. I didn't call cause I needed help from you, Morgan. I called JJ, not you. It is typical for you to interfere, however, but I didn't ask for it. I ask for nothing, actually. I'm going to…confess now. All I want is my mother to be buried like…like she wanted it…" Suddenly the calm broke, and they could hear Reid sobbing. "Why her, JJ? Why her?"

JJ broke down, crying. Rossi gently put an arm around her shoulders, but Emily knew her friend well enough to know that she wouldn't be able to answer soon. Even if she'd find something to say. Anything. She looked at Hotch, hoping, no – expecting him to say something now. Expecting him to say the right thing now, as he always did. Morgan had turned away.

Hotch answered Emily's glance. "Reid, you belong to this team and you always will. Stay where you are, we'll come back for you. We will bury your mother, and we'll go through this again together. We will find out what happened, and if you really killed your mother I promise I will have you arrested- but not earlier. Is that clear?"

Rossi stared at his colleague in shock. Silence grew again, and then: "Okay, Hotch." Silence. "Hotch?" "Yes, Reid?" "Thank you", the professor sobbed, then he quickly hung up.

Hotch looked from one to the other, his face stern but calm. "Fayetteville will have to wait, we go for Reid now. It was a mistake to divide this team when it all began, and I am very sorry. I want to say sorry to everyone of you. Dave, you were right when you reminded me of my own words: There is no I in team. We're best when we work together. I hadn't forgotten about it, but…I let myself being misguided by …by personal fears. The responsibility for everything that happened lies with me only." Emily and Rossi wanted to interrupt him, but Hotch continued, "I think we all agree on Reid not having murdered his own mother. I do not know what happened there, but…" "I'll call Fayetteville now and tell the officers there's something come between", Rossi said firmly. "Don't blame yourself, Aaron. There are situations where you just can't do the right thing. Because there is no right thing to do." Morgan snorted, but didn't look up-

"So…we have to tell the pilot to turn around." JJ's voice was very quiet, almost incomprehensible. Before Emily could react, Hotch had taken over Rossi's place and gently wrapped his arm around the blonde's shoulder as she started to cry anew. She was stunned to hear Morgan laugh bitterly. "We never even got up, JJ." He turned to his colleague, and the bitterness left his face when he saw hers. "I'm sorry, JJ. I didn't mean it."

"Let's get out of here", Rossi suggested, for once without any sarcasm. Quickly Emily stood up, happy to have something to do. The jet had become too small for her, too cramped…Morgan shoved past her, dialing a number, his jaw tight, his eyes hard. Reid's words had hurt him more than he would ever admit. Emily wanted to console him, but she knew there was only one person Derek Morgan would let his defense down. "Garcia?", she asked. He nodded shortly. "I'll take the second car."

"Penelope Garcia, expert for everything, everyone and the remaining rest. What can I do for you, oh mortal human being?" Despite everything, Derek smiled as he heard the analyst's voice. "Hey, baby girl, how you're doing?" "Derek Morgan! Do you have the slightest trace of an idea how deep in trouble you are? You left me alone without any information apart from Hankel's alive! You know how that makes me feel? I was sick with sorrow, and you never called me!"

"Sorry, Penelope, I…" "You know I accept the fact that Hotch forbid you to talk to each other, but since when has that included me? What if anything happened to you? I might have got knowledge of your death only through the next files I'd do!" Now that was exaggerated, and they both knew it. Morgan's face and voice became hard again. "Stop that, Penelope." He could almost see her smile fade. What the hell was wrong with him?

"I'm sorry, I…I didn't…I'm sorry, baby girl. For everything." He left the highway and parked the SUV along the road. "It's just that…" "What happened, Derek?" "I don't know. All we wanted to do was leaving Reid with his mum so we could catch Hankel and Lowell. So after we found Hankel…" Pictures from the afternoon reappeared in his mind. They had torn Hankel apart. Nobody deserved what they had done to him. And still there was a voice inside of him, whispering that he'd do the same thing again if Reid was in danger, or Penelope, or anybody else he cared for. What did that say about him?

"Derek?" Yeah, uhm, Penelope…hey, you promise me one thing, right? Promise me to forget what I'll tell you now. I'm gonna tell you, and then you'll forget about it, okay? You don't have to go through all that shit. And babygirl? Please don't think too bad of me." He closed his eyes, but quickly opened them again as he heard a car coming his way. It was the other SUV, clearly checking out his position, then turning around and getting onto the highway again. Morgan quickly followed.

"Penelope, you're still there?"

"Of course I am still here." Her voice sounded very compressed. "I'm always here. I'll be here forever and for always, my hero. And that's what you'll always be, you and the others, you are my heroes, and that won't change." It sounded as if she had to convince herself, but it brought the smile back on Derek's face nevertheless. "I'm not a hero, baby girl. But I thank you." They fell silent for a moment, and for the first time in weeks it wasn't a hopeless silence.

Then Morgan arrived at the exit that would bring him back to the clinic, and reality caught him again. "I haven't told you what we've done yet." "I know." Now she just sounded scared. "Just…tell me so I can keep on working." "Well, we…we killed Hankel. JJ, Emily and me. And now, on our way to Fayetteville, we…" "Really this time?" "Really what?" "Did you…really …do it this time?" She couldn't or didn't want to say the word, and Morgan loved her for that. "Yes, we really killed him that time. Trust me. And the Reid called and told us…" he arrived at the parking lot, thirty seconds to go, now how could he possibly explain this? "Reid's mother died. I'm so sorry, Penelope. I'll call you this evening, I promise." He felt terrible, but he knew that there was someone who felt much worse now.

He was more relieved than he would have admitted when he saw that there was no yellow ribbon in front of the door. No crime. Reid hadn't killed his mother. Rossi came out of the kitchen and walked towards him. "It was a heart attack, she was dead at once. Reid wants to talk to you, Morgan. Maybe he'll tell you why he feels guilty."


	16. Chapter 16

Emily was standing at a window at the staircase , three floors above the bloodstain that was all that still remained of Tobias Hankel.

She really needed holidays. Not because of the almost 14 months she was working without interruption, not because of the fact that she hadn't slept since 24 hours, and hadn't eaten since 48. Probably not even because of the guy she had killed today – a man she had believed to be dead for years.

She really needed holidays because she couldn't stop crying since 20 minutes, and she didn't even know why she cried. Were it tears of exhaustion, grieve, relief, anger? She really couldn't say. She lifted her hand up to her cheeks to dry them, but her hands were so raw and her sleeves so wet that she only reamed her skin. Her face was red, her cheeks burnt. Emily shivered. It was too much. Too much that should never have happened. She had thought this before, even said it before, but – it was right. Every time she said it, it was true. She had messed it up again. From the very first moment when she had allowed herself to see her colleagues as friends, she had lost all control. Control of a life she had only recently gotten back into her own hands. She should have known it better after what had happened with Doyle. She – Lauren Reynolds – had fallen in love with the killer, she really had. She always knew who he was, and still he had managed to get into her heart. After she had sent Doyle to Korea and Declan to Austria, Emily had promised herself to watch over her heart. And now? Now her heart was bleeding, being attached to a little boy, lost in the body of a genius, that had lost his mother. It was attached to a young woman, merely as young as the genius, that tried to console him. It was attached to three men whose eyes were dark with grief and helplessness. It was attached, last but definitely not least, to another woman who was waiting for them at home – home, that was what she called the office! – and alone with her grief. Emily's heart was bleeding for all of them, loving all of them, and her tears were for them as well. For her team, and for Penelope Gordon, Connie Meldon, Megan Rowland and everyone of Hankel's victims. Maybe her tears were for Hankel too – at least she surely had enough tears to cry. Enough tears to cry them for the man who had tortured Reid…the thought was so ridiculous she had to laugh.

Till she saw Derek approaching from behind.

"Hey", he murmured, "got a god view from here?"

Shaking her head, she snuffled. Thankful as she was that he was there, and that he was her friend – sometimes his daredevil-attitude made her want to hit him. Very hard. "It's too crowded in there", she answered.

Morgan nodded. "I know what you mean. And Reid…we can't help him right now. Nobody can."

"You don't have to account, Derek, not for me. I was here before you, remember?" The tears were still streaming down. Through the door that Morgan had not closed, she heard JJ singing. She didn't understand the words, but it sounded warm. Warm, sad and consoling at the same time. Emily closed her eyes and allowed the fragments of the melody to carry her away for a few seconds.

She hadn't known that JJ also loved singing. Maybe, if this was over…oh forget it. It would never be over.

Derek had closed his eyes as well. As he opened them they dry, but red. "That wasn't meant as an accounting. I just know it." His voice was hoarse. "When my dad died, I couldn't really react either. I didn't notice the policemen coming. I didn't even notice my mum. It was as if there was a wall between me and the world. Like a…like the last thin fog between me and reality. It takes time to get over to reality. And…" he broke off. Now tears were shining in his eyes, and Emily gently laid her hand over his arm. "I'm so sorry."

Words. Words she had said and heard too often. They sounded hollow, and they only left silence. In silence the agents stood at the window, as the sky went dark, as Simon Lowell was chased through the United States, as Will LaMontaigne-Jareau brought his son to bed and tried to sing his wife's lullaby, as it got colder in the staircase and quieter in the room behind. The world kept turning around, even though Emily had ceased to understand it. Why, or how did it still turn if everything was in vain.

"In vain?" Morgan looked at her. It took Emily a moment to realize that she had spoken her last thought out loud. She shook her head, but he was stubborn. As always. "Come on, Prentiss. Tell me."

"On your responsibility?" The agent nodded in surprise. Emily took a deep breath. She was – again – at the point she had reached with Doyle. It was time not only to give her heart to others, but also to open it.

"Well…I guess Hankel's won."

"What?"

"He wanted Reids mother to be dead, and she is. Okay, Reid doesn't know yet that we're here because of Hankel, but we will have to tell him soon. And the Reid will feel double guilty, cause he'll think he's responsible for his mother's heart attack and for the splitting of the team! And he'll be alone. We tore Hankel apart, Morgan, once this case is over we'll have to make a therapy, and he'll be alone!" She interrupted herself as her voice went shrill and stared out of the window. Morgan remained completely silent, but she knew she had to go on now. Calming her voice down, banning all emotion like she had done often before, she said, "They guys from Fayetteville are waiting for us. We have to go there to catch a man who believed in this psycho's idea. Have you ever thought about all the people we leave grieving? Have you ever thought about all the people who are as broken-hearted and despaired as Reid is now, just because we failed? How many people have lost their parents or their children while Hankel was playing with us? And still a part of him was innocent, and the guilty part will never have to justify because we killed him."

New tears had begun their journey down her cheeks. Gently, Morgan laid his hand onto her back to steady her. "I thought about it, Emily", he answered, his voice as calm as hers but a lot warmer, "but I try to stop thinking about it. Not because I want forget all the victims, but because I have to go on. We all have. I know how it sounds, but…"

"How can we ever again meet Reid's eyes", Emily interrupted him, as if she hadn't heard him, "if he trusts us to tell him everything, if he trusts us to trust him? He will blame him forever, and he will start to blame us too. And we will take the blame because we deserve it and for Reid so he can find his peace."

"He will find his peace." Without their notice, Rossi had approached. His eyes were filled with sadness and a strong determination. As Morgan had done before, he went straight to the window without looking at his fellow agents. "Everyone grieves differently", he explained. "I know by now that you, both of you, want to keep their feelings a secret – but this isn't about you. Or at least it shouldn't be about you. It's about being there for a friend who needs you. Morgan, Reid sent me to tell you again he's sorry for shouting at you, and Emily, he thanks you for being here." Finally, Rossi turned around to the agents. "You stand here, pitying yourself and the world while you should just walk into this room and therefore make the world better. Reid needs us right now, he needs people he trusts, people who listen to him when he tells them about his mother, maybe the whole night long. He needs friends, not agents. Don't tell me you don't know how to be that." The determination in his eyes grew colder. Emily nodded and went to the door. As she opened it – Rossi had closed it when he had come in – the cold air stroke her hair, passed her towards the light that hid the dark of the sadness. With Morgan and Rossi right behind her, she crossed the border to reality, tore the fog apart that had protected her. Hankel had won, in a crazy way, and one of his many victims somehow was the mother of the little genius she had taken to her heart. They had failed as agents, and now she knew that Rossi knew it too. Now they had to be people.

Morgan entered the kitchen. Reid's head was laying on the table, JJ held his hand. She was crying. Hotch stood at the window, and he too had cried. With a short nod to Rossi he left the room, and Rossi went over to the window. Derek patted JJ's shoulder, and as she stood up to let him sit down, Emily went to her and hugged her."Thank you", the media liaison whispered, and Emily hugged her tighter. "You should call Will", she whispered back, and JJ nodded, broke the embrace and left, her phone already in her hand, with a last glance to Reid.

Reid lifted his head. "What's up?"

"She calls Will, Reid. But we're here." Morgan looked at his friends earnestly. "You're not alone, okay? We're here." The professor nodded listlessly, and Morgan leaned closer. "Hey, I know you don't want to do this, Reid, but you have to accept that your mother is dead. I know you don't want to do this, and neither do we. But we have to. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Reid." Reid swallowed heavily. "Can…can I talk to Henry?"

"I get JJ!" Rossi quickly left the room. Morgan and Emily looked at each other helplessly. Reid followed their eyes, and suddenly a tiny smile appeared on his face. "You two look really sweet, you know that?" The smile vanished in a heartbeat. "She never knew you, Emily. But I told her about you." Emily took a chair and sat down right beside Reid. "Tell me about her, Spencer. Please. I wish I had known her." "You do?" "Yes. She must have been a wonderful woman if she had such a wonderful son." She met her friend's glowing, desperate eyes. Tears hovered heavily over the kitchen, and Emily felt them choke her, but she didn't dare to unlock the glance.

JJ came bacl. "Spencer? Henry wants to talk to you!"


	17. Chapter 17

_Thanks to all who read, reviewed and subscribed so far, and special thanks to _reina13. _I hope I'll finish this story in the next four weeks, and I hope you keep on enjoying reading it. If you do, or if you don't please review and tell me why =)_

Morgan rubbed his eyes. It was half pas one am, Reid was sleeping on the sofa in his mother's living room. Morgan didn't understand how he could sleep right on the spot where his mother had died, but he was glad he found some rest in the end.

They kept watch in turns, and it was Rossi's turn now. The rest of the team sat together in the kitchen and tried to find out where Simon Lowell was to go next. The room was hot and stuffy, they were all tired, sad and confused; they needed some sleep. Sleep or at least coffee, but nobody dared to switch on the coffee machine. The sound could wake Reid and that was the last thing anyone of them had in mind.

"Right. I'll call Fayetteville, maybe they can use the information we have so far." Hotch's voice was as calm as ever, but he could not ban a certain strain from it, and exhaustion had deepened the wrinkles in his face. It was bad for the case, yes, but it was also oddly comforting. This day was driving them to the edge. They were all in the same boat, were chased by pirates and had lost the oars. Still, they had to bring their charge home.

Emily nodded. "Okay. Let's pretend the guys from Fayetteville don't need their sleep and will use our profile right now." She pointed at the clock. Hotch and JJ only shrugged. The department had lost its leader – the officers would do anything to find Lowell, and they were all young. Young enough to chase someone the whole night long.

Hotch left the apartment to call, and the others tried to improve the geographic profile. "Do you think they find them without our help?"

JJ shook her head. "They're freshmen, Morgan. Okay, they didn't like Wendell, but he was their boss. They don't know how to organize themselves. They'll need our help. I think Hotch wants us to fly tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?", Emily cried. "We can't leave Reid alone! The funeral will be in a week!" "Prentiss", Morgan hissed. He nodded towards the living room and Emily bit her lips. "One week! We can't go earlier. Or should we take Reid with us?"

"I don't think that would be a good idea." Rossi went into the kitchen, looking as tired as they all felt. "But I do think we all need to rest now. We won't be useful like this, neither for the guys from Fayetteville nor for Reid. Concerning Reid –" "Yeah, right. I'll go." Morgan stood up. "Just tell me when Hotch comes back, right?"

"Wait!" All faces turned to Emily, alerted by the sharpness of her voice. "What-" JJ broke off as her colleague held up her hand in warning. Breath holding, the agents came nearer. "What if do this wrong again? What if…" she shook her head, her black hair flying. "No, that doesn't make sense." "It hasn't made sense for a long time, Prentiss." Hotch had come back. "Fayetteville searches for Lowell wherever they can, but they still haven't found him. If you have a theory, tell us. We're running out of time."

"Okay…" Emily closed her eyes to arrange her thoughts. "I thought…you chased Hankel through the country, but all he ever wanted was…" JJ put her fingers to her lips, and Emily swallowed the rest of the sentence. "I just think…if this was Hankel's goal all the time, the end of his quest, shouldn't Lowell have known about it? If he was his first follower and killed twelve people without hesitating…" "You think he knew where Hankel was headed to", Rossi completed his sentence. "You think he wants to meet Hankel here?"

Surprised silence followed his words. Finally, Hotch nodded. "It would be logical."

"Yes, it would make sense. Reid's mother was special for Hankel, the last soul to save. This clinic probably was a holy place for him, and even more for Lowell!", Morgan affirmed, ignoring the looks of his female colleagues. "He'll come, either to visit the clinic or to help Hankel." Hotch took out his mobile again. "Well done, Prentiss. Our colleagues in Fayetteville won't be happy about it, but that's our case now. Ours alone." He disappeared again. Morgan sighed and went over to Reid. The wingchair was too small for him, but he knew that he would fall asleep nevertheless. All he could do was hoping to wake up if Reid moved.

"Derek?" Soundlessly, JJ padded into the room to the sofa and bowed over Reid. Without seeing her face the agent could tell that she looked at the genius with a mother's eyes. Which was ironical, knowing that she was one of the first that was angry with anyone who mocked Reid. Knowing that Reid had lost his mother today, it was…oddly touching.

"JJ, you're okay?" Without looking away , the young woman nodded. "Yeah, I guess I do." She tried to smile but the tears that started to roll down her cheeks quickly destroyed it. "I miss Henry", she confessed, as she turned around to Morgan. "I know it's stupid because I just spoke with him and I'm glad that he's not here with us, really, but…" "JJ, that's not stupid, not at all.", he tried to calm her. "You were with Reid most of the time now; you're the one that had to wake up this nightmare again. Honestly?" A tiny smile played around his lips and was mirrored by her face, if just for a second. "If you wouldn't miss your family, I'd be really worried."

She nodded. "Okay. It's just…" She wiped the tears away from her cheeks, but they began anew at her next words, "whenever I thought about my death I just thought about myself. I never thought about…how I'd leave Henry alone. If…if Will doesn't marry after my death, he'll grow up without a mother. And if he finds someone….Henry will forget me."

"That won't happen." Hotch had entered the living room. "We've got an apartment at the fifth floor. Fayetteville knows we won't be there, and they don't like it." Morgan frowned. They were glued together for too long now. That private talking was impossible clearly was a sign for their need of holidays. They needed a break. Quickly.

JJ's smile said that she felt the same. "Thanks", she whispered and laid her hand on Morgan's arm, then went over to Hotch. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and gently spoke to her as he guided her out of the apartment. Morgan sank back and closed his eyes.

He woke up. The LED display on his watch told him that he'd slept for almost an hour. Reid sat on the sofa. The last bit of tiredness flew away. "Hey, Reid."

"I don't think he'll come." "Who?" Okay, it wasn't the last bit…Morgan yawned.

"Simon Lowell." Reid's voice was flat.

"What?" Now the last bit was gone. Morgan was shocked. This could not be.

"Reid, what…" "Simon Lowell was Hankel's follower and killed for him but…my mother…she was special." He swallowed heavily. "Even for Raphael. I mean, he…he…" he took a deep breath. "He wanted to save my mother, that was his holy duty from the beginning. I don't think he wanted help with this quest. He wanted to do this alone. But I don't know where he is right now, or…how have you found him?" Just then he looked at Morgan, a perplexity on his face that didn't match at all the complete shock on Morgan's.

It took the agent some minutes to talk again.

"Reid, how can you know all this?"


	18. Chapter 18

„A bit more space would have been nice." Hotch looked at the small kitchen that also was the living room. A small couch stood there, hard, but at least it could be made into a double bed. As there was only a single bed in the bedroom, one of them would have to take the carpet. "I know this is not what we are used, but…" "But it doesn't matter. We lived through more than just a night on the floor", Rossi completed.

JJ managed a weak smile. "I always loved our boy scout camps…well, except the one in the woods." She frowned.

"You slept in one room with the boys?"Emily asked in surprise. Rossi and JJ looked at each other. "Gods be good, no! You ladies will take the couch in the kitchen and I will gamble for the bed with Hotch."

"And Derek? Where is he going to sleep later?"

"Then I will look after Reid. Dave, the bed is yours." Hotch had ceased the inspection. He had seen the look in Morgan's eyes before, and he the agent was right. They needed time for themselves. And if that wasn't possible, at least they needed some sleep.

"Reid…" The room still spun around Morgan, though he had thought that nothing could shock him anymore.

"I know he was after me. He's been after me all the time, he…he didn't do his job then, he didn't kill me…I knew that he would look for me. Chase me. I just didn't know that…you also knew." The professor swallowed. He seemed not even to notice his colleague's presence. "But what I don't understand…why did he stop? Why did he suddenly go after my mother? And now that he can't kill her anymore…will he go after me again, or will he look for someone else?" He looked up. "Derek? Why are they all here?"

Morgan shook his head, his face burrowed in his hands. "I'm so sorry, Reid." "That wasn't an answer." Reid stood up, making fists out of his shaking hands. "I know that Hankel was after my mother, and I know that Lowell's his accomplice. But I don't know how Hotch could know this and, by the way, it all seemed like our killer was a woman, and I think that Lowell tries to protect someone, another woman, maybe his girlfriend, maybe Hankel's girlfriend, maybe his mother – it's gotta be a mother, I think, it wouldn't make sense otherwise…"

"Reid…"

"It would explain why nobody has found him yet. This woman helps Lowell, and if she's not his mother, maybe she's his grandmother, or Hankel's grandmother or his father's sister…"

"Reid…"

"I don't know, I'm too confused, I can't think anymore, I…it's as if you were all paralyzed, frozen by sadness and like I'm the only one whose brain seems to work, but it doesn't…"

"Reid!"

"And Hankel's still somewhere out there, all of them , and he expects to get me this time, and you expect me to know how to get _him _this time, but I don't know, and I can't think, my brain doesn't work, but you have to think, you mustn't be paralyzed, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT NOT TO THINK!"

He shouted the last words before he broke down, crying. Derek took him into his arms.

"It's alright, Reid. It's alright. I got you." He closed his eyes as they started to burn with tears. It was a bad idea of Mother Nature to let tears infect other people's eyes. How should he be strong for Reid when he saw his own mother dying in his minds? How should he give him the answers that he needed without hurting him even more?

"You wanna tell me you never were on a Boy Scout camp before?"Curiously, JJ looked at her colleague. "What did you do all summer?"

"Seriously? My mother's a diplomat! Every summer we traveled through Europe, I wouldn't have been able to go to any camp even if she hadn't closed me away from the world. And she did." Even when whispering the frustration in Emily's voice was clearly audible. "I've never been with the Boy Scouts, or in any other group. My friends – if you call the friends – were all diplomats' children. We had seen almost every capital of the world, but the countryside…not a chance."

"Then we should go on holiday together", JJ suggested. "Will and I want to go to Montana with Henry for a month, to see my parents. You could come with us…I'm afraid if we let Henry with his grandmother all the time, he's gonna put on a hell lot of weight." She laughed softly, and Emily tried to laugh with her. "Yeah, maybe."

"I'm serious, Emily!"

"Well, I think you should discuss it with Will, first of all."

"Oh, really?" JJ still smiled. It felt good to be alone with another woman. She really needed to plan a ladies' night when they were back. Wait – ladies?

"JJ? What's wrong?"

"I'm just thinking…didn't you say your killer seemed to be female?"

"We thought so, yes." Emily sat up. "We also thought Penelope Gordon was this woman, but then she was killed and Lowell admitted the killings before. Why do you ask?"

"I'm just wondering how your profile could be that wrong – I don't think it's wrong, that is…"JJ grabbed her bag and searched for some files in the darkness.

"Oh come on, you really wanna do this now? If we switch up the light, we'll wake the men. And I don't think I want to wake Hotch…really."

"He's got a little son, he's used to that. I just don't want something like that to happen again…if Penelope Gordon was your killer, and if Lowell protected her because she was, like, his sister in faith, believing in Hankel's words as he did…still, how did she come near to Hankel? There has to be a connection." She sighed. "You think that makes any sense?"

"Probably." Emily's hunting instincts had woken up again. Who cared for sleep? She needed to do something. Anything. Tiredness and nightmares almost were part of the job description. "Well." She grabbed her own bag. "What about going down into the hall and look through all the files concerning Hankel, Lowell, Gordon and Fayetteville? It's gonna be a lot of work, but at least we won't disturb anybody down there. And Derek can sleep here."

4:22 am – expectedly, the hall was empty. The silence in the room was almost spooky, and the crunching noise as they put some chairs to a table at the wall didn't make it easier. As she sat down, Emily regretted her former decision. She wanted to sleep! Damn it, she needed to! When JJ gave her a file, the letters danced before her eyes. It was senseless. Not quite managing to choke down a yawn, she looked at the file again. Silence drowned the room again.

Then the door squeaked.

Emily jumped up, hoping for a moment she had only fallen asleep. JJ stared at the lights on the ceiling, her eyes wide with terror. No nightmare. At the same moment four shivering hands laid down the files and went still as they closed around their guns. Emily nodded, then the women stood up, almost noiseless. Whoever it was that wanted to break into the clinic would have to cross a corridor before he would reach them.

And they would await him.


	19. Chapter 19

_Sorry it took me so long… to all of you who still read this: thank you very much :D :D I hope you will enjoy this story till the very end (which is not so far away any more). If it does, please review. If not, please review^^ _

_Anyway, have fun!_

The door opened. It was too dark to see anything, but the steps echoed loudly in the silence. Then the man peeked around the door. "Morgan, you're okay up here?"

Before the agent could answer, Reid jumped up. "Hotch, I know it. Everything." His voice still was still lifeless, but at the edge Hotch could hear something that froze him inside: despise. Spencer Reid, whose self-confidence normally wasn't even enough to talk to female colleagues, despised his boss.

"What happened?"

Morgan buried his face in his hands. The guilt and helplessness that had overwhelmed him was so obvious, so intense that normally both Hotch and Reid would have been touched by it – normally. Now all Hotch saw was the coldness in the genius' eyes, and his face grew hard. "Morgan, what have you done?"

JJ and Emily flanked the door, weapons drawn, muscles tensed. Without seeing the hard line of JJ's clenched jaw Emily knew how uncomfortable her friend felt. Though she had worked with the BAU for more than four years, the blonde agent had only killed once – oh yes, and then today. Hankel. Both killings, Emily knew, had been instinctive actions. The men she had killed had made one lethal mistake; they had threatened JJ's family…the door opened.

Instantaneously, both women raised their guns, fingers on the trigger –

"Whoa, whoa, ladies, calm down! It's me!"

"Will!" For one moment JJ's gun remained between her husband's eyes, then it dropped onto the floor as she flew into his arms. Slightly abashed, Emily took her colleague's weapon, not meeting Will's eyes as he held his crying wife. She made her way past him, up again to the elevator. They would have to talk – about how and why Will LaMontaigne Jr. had broken into a clinic in the middle of the night, but they could do it later.

"Hey, Emily! You could tell your team something?" The profiler turned around. Will had followed her to the corridor, his arm still lying tightly around JJ's shoulders, as if she was about to run away with terror. "Please tell agent Hotch that JJ's coming home with me. And that Garcia loves you all and hugs Reid and…just to clear this, Henry's with her", he quickly added, as if Emily was going to interrogate him as a suspect, "and there's a Navy-pilot who owed me one so I could get here but he won't wait forever. Please, Jennifer", his voice was pleading now, as were his eyes that searched JJ's glance, "Our son needs you. I need you. You've been isolated for more than long enough; it's time to go home!"

"Em, would you go up, I'll follow you in a minute." JJ's voice was cold as ice, colder even than Reid's voice six floors higher. Though she knew the ice wasn't meant for her, Emily shuddered. "We ought to remind Hotch and Rossi of the woman."

The other woman nodded. This was going on for more than long enough, Will was right. Wherever Lowell was, whoever had helped him – they had to stop chasing him right now.

The situation was out of control, and things went the same way as Emily herself had once seen and felt it with Interpol: step one, emotional coldness, blunting. At the end of the Doyle-operation, she had been the same way JJ was now, if not worse. Eventually the moment came when the heart (or Reid would say the brain) shut itself up in order not to get crazy. In order not to get right to step two: paranoia. Peter had reached that step; he had killed one of their own. And then he had shot himself. His death had woken up Emily, had broken up the walls inside her as well as it had done with Jeremy and Zia. She still was thankful for that, because the ice around her heart had stopped her not only from feeling pain or hatred, but from feeling anything. It hadn't mattered anymore how many innocent people had already died, or would die – as long as the bad ones were caught. You had to be prepared to make sacrifices for the greater good.

Emily had made sacrifices. She had given her soul, without really thinking about it.

"Collateral damage."

"Excuse me?" The elevator's door was open. Worried, Rossi stared at his colleague. "Uhm…nothing, it's okay." She hadn't even noticed that she had spoken. Step three: losing the feeling of reality.

God, if she could only get that bastard who had done this…

"Prentiss, you're still with me?"

Emily closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Yeah, I think so. JJ and me, we were just…just looking through the files to find the woman we once searched for. And then Will appeared and I think he wants JJ to go home."

"Will LaMontaigne? Where's Henry? And why did you go down?"

"Henry's with Garcia… we couldn't sleep, but we didn't want to wake you up, so…where's Hotch, anyway? He's still sleeping?"

Rossi sighed. "We've got a problem, Emily."

The woman tried and failed to stop the laughter deep in her throat (another part of step three: hysteria). "Only one, Rossi? That's better than everything I've heard of in the last weeks."

Rossi remained sincere. "I don't know how long the team can bear all of this emotional pressure, Emily. We are used to cruelty, I know, and I also know that everyone of us has already lived through his personal nightmare, but this…it is going on for far too long. And nobody of us is objective anymore. You understand me? We all have a personal relationship with Reid, and since you've killed Hankel, you also have a relation to him. We have to end this case before we translate our fear and our frustration onto our colleagues. And that means right now!"

"Why are you telling me that?" He had said exactly what she was thinking. A part of Emily was glad that Rossi understood the situation as she did – the other part was only more afraid now.

"What I meant before is that Hotch is up there with Reid. And Morgan."

"So…where's the problem?"

Rossi sighed. "We're breaking apart, Emily. Morgan and Hotch have been fighting for a long time, and if JJ leaves us now, the only ones that will still be able to work are the two of us."

"You're a bad joker, you know that?" She was probably waking up the whole floor by now, but she didn't mind. _Collateral damage._ "Listen, Rossi, we're in a bad situation, yes, and we need a holiday, but if JJ wants to go home, she will go home! And the two of us will go up now and get Morgan so he can sleep while Hotch stays with Reid. We'll check the files so Garcia can work on them. So yeah, maybe we are the only ones to work in the next hours, but not because the others won't be able to! I know Derek, he's a good man, he won't start quarreling with Hotch, not right now! He respects him, and Hotch respects Derek. Jesus, Rossi, they're friends! And they're Reid's friends so they won't do anything stupid right now!"

What the hell was the old man thinking of? He knew the team only for a few months. Emily took a deep breath. For a moment it seemed as if Rossi would interrupt her, but he eventually decided not to.

"Hotch would never fight with Morgan in front of Reid. Not now, and never. He was a lawyer, he knows how to handle such situations. This team will not break apart, Rossi! We'll get him, we'll do everything we can and anything it takes to get this psycho and…"

"Emily!" Now he did interrupt her. His voice was very gentle, and she suddenly felt his hands on her arms, as if he had to hold her upright. "Do you notice you're talking to me as if I was a relative of a victim?"

Reid was walking up and down the corridor, thoughts flying wildly through his tortured brain. He had thought about running away, but he knew it wouldn't change anything. Besides, he didn't even know if his legs would carry him. They felt like jelly, which was probably caused by the talk he heard through the door in the living room.

"I tried, Hotch! I tried! And it wasn't my idea to keep the whole thing such a secret! You just had to be honest to us!"

"Morgan, calm down. It's enough."

"Yeah? Now there you're right, Hotch. It's enough. No, it's already too much. Damn it!"

"Cursing won't help us now." Hotch's voice was as calm as before, as cold as Morgan's was enraged. The lawyer in the agent had woken up, and he was more dangerous than Morgan could ever be.

"Hotch…alright, okay? Just tell me how we go on now."

Reid closed his eyes as dark shadows stole his sight. He felt absolutely miserable. Normally, in a night like this he would simply have read all of Dostojewski's books in Russian. Normally. Now all he wanted were his drugs.

"You have to learn to think for yourself, Morgan. And you should know by now when it's time to be quiet."

"So it's my fault now?"

"You killed Hankel!" Now Hotch's voice also became louder, and Reid felt a new wave of nausea crawling up his throat. He was not yet used to the thought that Hankel was dead. That he had almost reached him today. He still couldn't say what it had to do with his mother. Actually, he could do nothing right now.

"Yeah, we killed him, Hotch! Because he would have chased Reid till the end! He'd never had found peace! We did what we did to save the kid. And yes, I'd do it again, and the others too."

"And that is why I'm not sure if this team can work like that anymore. It is not our duty to judge."

"Come on, Hotch, stop being so damned canting!"

"I told you already, Morgan: stop cursing. That won't…"

Hotch broke off as they heard a hoarse cry.

It took Reid a second to identify the cry's origin as his own mouth. And it took him a few seconds more to realize what his eyes were seeing: two people standing at the open door.

Hotch and Morgan appeared behind him, both looking for their guns that lay useless a floor below. Hotch took a deep breath as he recognized one of the two.

In front of them, in front of Reid, with a gun pointed at his head, were standing an old woman – and Simon Lowell.


	20. Chapter 20

„Hey, Doc!" Lowell's voice was still as arrogant as it had been in Fayetteville. His smile, however, had increased in madness, obviously because he was so near to his big goal – the man angel had wanted to kill. Hotch's petrified face made him laugh even more. "Agent Hotchner! It's been a while, hasn't it? You're gonna be the next to die!" The smile vanished as memory brought hatred onto the killer's face. "You've been a blasphemer long enough…it's time you get wiped off this earth.

"Lowell!", Morgan whispered aghast, now realizing who was standing in front of them. Hotch nodded. The younger agent cleared his throat to attract Lowell's attention. "Listen, man, the situation has changed! Raphael has gone!"

"Another blasphemer", Lowell cried, "you're gonna die as well! All of you! I'll let you suffer, I'll kill you and then I'll serve him your heads on a silver tablet! I'll…"

"You won't serve him anything, Lowell! Raphael is not an angel, he's a man, and he's dead! It's over."

The first shadow of doubt flew over the killer's face, followed by fear, and then – hatred again. "You're a liar! And he is an angel. He's gonna wipe you off with his wings!" But his voice wasn't as firm as before.

"He won't come back, Lowell. He won't help you anymore. But we can help you. Just drop the gun, right?" Morgan took a few steps forward, calm, hands up. Gently he shoved past Reid to keep him out of the line of fire, and Reid knew he should be thankful for that, but all he felt was hate. This man had killed at least thirteen innocent people just to impress Hankel. The man who himself had committed at least twenty people. Who had captured and tortured him. Who had planned to kill his mother.

"You're right, Simon. Raphael is an angel. And he chose you to be his servant. He trusted you, he wanted you to be great. He wanted you to be the new Simon Peter. And you failed."

"Reid!" Hotch's eyes searched Reid's, but found only two icy diamonds.

"You failed, Simon, because your faith wasn't strong enough. You let Raphael down, you disappointed him, and now he's dead, and it's your fault!"

"Reid!" But when not even Hotch got to Reid's mind, Morgan had no chance. Helplessly, the agents had to listen Reid's voice getting louder and louder as he cried at Lowell everything he accused himself with, "You only had one job and you screwed it up! You're a loser, you let him down, you let him die! He died only because of you! If you'd be just a little bit stronger you'd have all this mess cleared by now instead of doing nothing! His blood is on your hands, even if nobody else can see it…you know it's there, and I know it's there! He'll never look at you again, he'll never tell you what you have to do", his voice got quiet as sobs blended into it, "you're alone now, and you'll be alone forever. And it's all your fault!"

Morgan closed his eyes. His friend's pain cut deeply into his heart. He felt Reid's grief like his own, and he wanted to help him…wanted to say something, anything… he didn't know how it was to put your mother into a closed clinic or to be more intelligent than her. But he knew how it was to look after her, to hear her laughing, to see her smile as he did something good. Every child wanted its mother to be proud, especially when there was no father. The picture of his own mother made its way through Morgan's brain, lying on the kitchen floor…dead…again he shuddered at the thought.

Unfortunately, Lowell seized this moment to lower the gun onto Morgan's chest, metal crashing against leather. Morgan hissed, and Lowell's grin widened again. "You watch me, moron! Maybe I kill you first!"

"Nobody has to die today, Simon." Slowly, Hotch made a step forwards, and another, and a last – then he grabbed the gun. Morgan quickly brought the killer's arms onto his back and held him. "You better listen to my boss than to a dead", he said, as suddenly a knife cut into the skin at his throat, slowly drawing blood.

"Not that easy, you black scum" the old woman sneered, "if you really have to be in my apartment, which is quite impolite, you have to behave yourselves. My house, my rules. And that means no niggers and no Reids in here."

She looked at the doctor now. "Your mother's always been a pest, Spence. Always knowing everything better, always shouting…you know how it is to never have peace? I can tell you, if it wasn't for my grandson and his boss, I wouldn't have waited much longer. I'd have killed her with my own hands! But like that…" she smiled cruelly. A smile Lowell clearly had inherited from his grandmother. The lady must be about eighty years old, but something in her face told Hotch that she would not hesitate to shoot. It was very likely that she would kill Morgan before he could kill her.

Slowly Hotch lowered the gun – and then let it drop as Reid jumped forward to torture the old woman like she would have tortured his mother.

"Come on", she sneered, "tear me apart! Be a brave man and kill an old poor woman! Show us how strong Diane's darling is – " Two shots were fired.

Morgan winced as the gun at his throat twitched – and then fell down like Hotch's gun before.

"Grandma!" Lowell broke down beside the dead woman. "What the hell have you done?", he cried.

Hotch, Morgan and Reid ignored the man. They watched the door, and Hotch felt himself reminded of the afternoon. It was a bad memory: Three of his agents standing behind a corpse, weapons raised. Only that this time, it was Rossi next to Emily and JJ. Will stood two steps behind, obviously confused.

JJ and Emily looked at each other. "Did you…?" "No!" JJ firmly shook her head. "Thank god", Emily sighed. "Hotch, it's not what it looks like. JJ and I are innocent."

"No, that was me", Rossi said. "You're okay, everybody?"

"Of course, Dave. We're having a great time!" Morgan forced a smile onto his tired, angry and relieved face. Reid's eyes glowed with hatred. Rossi sighed. Hotch's face was petrified. "We've got more important things to do now, Morgan. Stop trying to be funny and start doing what you're paid for."

"What the…"

The other team members stared stunned at each other as their boss and their colleague quarreled like teenagers in front of everyone, till Rossi sighed again and firmly shoved them into the living room. He didn't even seem to notice that he walked across Lowell. Emily and JJ shared another stunned glance, and then they put Lowell upright and chained him up.

"Well", JJ smiled, as she pushed the killer in her husband's arms, "now you have someone to drive or fly home with, Will, so you don't have to bug me with it! I will not leave my team right now. They need me."

"Jennifer, please…"

"I'm not a piece of jewelry you can carry around. I decide where I go and where I belong! And I belong here right now, with my t…"

"You belong to your family!"

"This IS my family!" Emily backed off as JJ's whole fury unloaded on the man behind her. "I'm fed up with your trying to push me around like a servant, I'm fed up with your telling everyone how happy we are! It's over! We're done, or do you really think I don't know about Lisa?"

"Lisa?" Will's face was a mask of confusion. "Jennifer…JJ, Lisa's happily married, exactly as I am! There's nothing between us!"

Emily cpuldn't help but believe him, though she'd rather bite her tongue than interrupt JJ right now.

"Prentiss?" Rossi pointed to the kitchen, and Emily gladly followed the invitation.

- "All hell breaks loose", she murmured. Rossi looked at her inquiringly. "Sorry?" "Oh, nothing." Step three. Losing reality. She had to stop talking to herself. As Rossi's eyes still lay on her face, Emily had to laugh despite everything. "Nothing special, Rossi. Just… the title of an episode in one of my favourite series that I think fits perfectly right now." She prayed that he wouldn't ask. Even if she couldn't believe it right now – the day would come when they all would sit together in the conference room, and the last thing she needed then was that everyone knew she was a Supernatural fan. Especially Morgan.

Rossi didn't ask. "I have to say I'm disappointed of you, Emily Prentiss."

"Me?"

"Of everybody, I have to say. This whole thing…keeping watch without a gun, fighting in front of colleagues, no planning at all…" Suddenly he seemed very old, old and arrogant, like one of her professors at the academy. Emily raised her eyebrows but decided to stay calm, for peace's sake.

"What was that with JJ down there? Just going anywhere, without saying anything, just two women?"

"You mean we shouldn't have gone there because we are women?" Okay, screw staying calm.

"For Christ's sake, Prentiss, no! Try not to be that stupid, you're an intelligent girl. I just say, everything you do is a neglect of duty. When Hotch says you're to sleep, then you are to sleep."

JJ and Will started to shout as Morgan and Hotch grew louder, too. The whole apartment filled with angry voices. Rossi also raised his voice. "This team shows a horrifying lack of respect and discipline. And a lack of discipline is not more than disloyalty."

"How dare you!" Emily leapt up. "You imply that we're disloyal towards Hotch? Or rather towards you because we don't follow your orders? Wake up, Rossi! You're not our boss! You treat us as if we were worthless, but you have to stop it! Your time's over!"-

At the same time

-"What do you want from me, Hotch? You want me out of this team, is that what it is?" Morgan approached his boss, stretching his body. The inch he was taller than Hotch was now more important than ever. "You can't throw me out that easily, Hotch. Not even you can. And that I have a problem with your way of leading and commanding and tyrannizing this team doesn't make me a bad agent!"

"No, it's your inability to see your mistakes that makes you a bad agent! You're still the cocky, arrogant beginner from seven years ago, never thinking about the consequences of your actions!"

"That's bullshit, man. I don't have to listen to that."

"Yes, you have to. If you want to stay in this team, you have. So do us a favor, Morgan – just go." -

At the same time

-"You make a fool out of me! In front of your colleagues! And you're also making a fool out of yourself! JJ, what happened to you? I can't recognize you anymore."

"Great! This, Will, is my real self, okay? This is me. And do you wanna hear something else? You can go to Lisa! Please go! Maybe she likes cowards like you that fly after their wives and embarrass them! I'm done with you. Go home and start packing your belongings!"

"You're joking!"

JJ's voice got dangerously calm, exactly as did Hotch's and Emily's. "I'm serious, Will. I want a divorce."

The apartment was quiet now. The silence after the storm that had erased every boundary. They had passed the last frontier and they knew it. If this was over, they would have to make a therapy, and the result would be everything but healthy: They would either have to live together for the rest of their lives or they would never again talk to each other.

The creaking of the door interrupted the silence. Hotch went out to the corridor. His voice was very quiet , but everyone heard them – and they all started to shiver with terror as the understood his voice:

"Where's Reid?"


	21. Chapter 21

_Sorry again for not updating (how comes I always write the same stuff here? Sorry, it'll be better in july)…and here we go!_

Again there was silence. Shocked, icy silence. Emily felt her self-discipline crumble and break apart, as Reid had broken apart of them.

Reid.

The reason for the team to split up, the reason why they had crossed so many borders – mental and real – today. The one they hadn't been able to help.

All was said, though nothing, in the end, was done. Every question had been asked, and most of them weren't answered – the rest was silence, because there were no answers left.

Through a mist of shock and bewilderment Emily saw Morgan and JJ cry. Rossi seemed to want to kill Hotch with his eyes, from the look in them. Emily herself could not say how she felt, or how she looked like right now.

Hotch had his eyes closed, possibly just to escape the daggers in Rossi's. Possibly because he was losing Reid. Again.

Then suddenly, he looked up, his voice as sharp and flat as always when they had the last run on the profile, "We got to talk to the reception, maybe we can still get him."

"No, he's gone, they saw him running out of the clinic and getting into one of the SUVs. They just didn't think much about it", Will put down his phone, speaking on before Rossi could interrupt him, "I don't know where he wants to go. My guess is the airport, but…"

"Makes sense", Morgan said hoarsely, "Garcia ordered an all-time-all-way-ticket for him. Maybe he…" he stopped dead, helplessly shaking his head. "Don't know."

"Maybe he wants to go home!" It was only as she heard her own voice that Emily realized her lips were moving. "After all, the BAU is his second family."

"Yeah, Prentiss, but the BAU's right here at the moment", Morgan answered softly, not teasing at all – which made a new wave of tears forming down in her throat, but she was determined not to let it wash over her. Morgan at least, though looking directly into her eyes, didn't notice. "And actually, we've not behaved like a family recently."

"That's a word!" Rossi shot a glance at Emily, not aggressive this time, but rather begging. But begging of what? "I mean, none of us behaved like a…like…" he swallowed. It still was new for him that work and family should be so close together, and he still wasn't sure he liked it. He didn't have a choice, though. Rossi knew it as well as the others that they already were a family, and that feeling wouldn't change just because he wanted it to. They were a family, and they always would be – was it already too late for Reid to get that message?

"Damn it, what are we doing here?" Finally, JJ had gone free of the mist. "Derek, Penelope's gotta find out which flight Spencer actually took. We also go back and, Will –" she turned around to her husband, their faces very near. The hatred was gone now as JJ's motherly instinct had taken over. She would not lose Reid. "Will, Hotch and I need the small machine so we're faster." She quickly kissed him and as Will, shocked by the sudden sign of love, didn't react, JJ took it as a yes. "Hotch, let's go!"

The team leader nodded, but stayed still. "Reid could also be with his father."

"His father?" Morgan asked. "I don't think he's really on his way to the man who left his mother years ago, not now." "He still is his father. And he knows…he knew Diane Reid better than we did.", Rossi chipped in. "Garcia has to find out where he lives, and then we go and talk to him. God knows by now we're all used to work separated." He ignored the daggers that now flew from Hotch's eyes. "Has anyone tried yet to just phone Reid?"

"Of course we have, but he's switched off his phone. And I guess he left when we started to fight, so he can be anywhere right now." Hotch suddenly looked very old and tired. "Try his father, and if he's there, talk to Reid but don't force him to do anything. Give him the time he needs. And if he lost faith in us…" He didn't finish the sentence but left, JJ right on his heels.

Will stared at his wife's back, sighing with frustration. "Charlie's gonna kill me!"

Morgan ignored the cop. "Does anybody know where the Reids are buried? Or where they brought Diane? Maybe he just wants to say his good-byes."

"He'd have left a message then" Rossi said, all his superiority gone now. "And as far as I know Dr. Diane Reid wanted her body to be taken to a hospital for examining her brain. Call Garcia!"

"Hello! Here is NOT the meeting point for agents in need, and I am NOT a fairy godmother, so if you're going to tell me now that you're right on your way to nowhere I swear I'm gonna find you, and then I'll stalk your every move on the internet till the day you die, and I won't ever talk to you again!" Penelope's anger quickly got washed away by tears. "Reid is gone!"

"I know it, Babygirl, but we're gonna find him, okay? We'll bring him back home. I promise." Emily turned around to Rossi, sitting in the back row, a tiny smile on both of their faces. It was good to hear Morgan and Garcia talking, no matter if they were bantering or not, it just was good. It helped to keep faith in family. The unequal pair always brought a flash of light onto the dark sky that was called crime. Well, Garcia could do it alone as well but…Emily sharply took a breath as she felt her thoughts swaying away. She needed to be focused.

"Promise?" Garcia obviously did her best to stop the tears, but it didn't seem to work. "But we don't know where he's going to! JJ just called, but he's far too clever! I can see he's taken his ticket, but he didn't say where he wanted to go and he's FBI so nobody asked and I don't even know if he's landed yet, and ever if he does, there's no need for him to tell anybody what he's doing wherever he's actually doing whatever he's doing so…" her voice trailed off as she seemed to realize that Morgan probably would not understand her rambling. "What I want to say is that Reid could be anywhere right now and I won't know it. I can't track him down!" Penelope's voice got higher with every word. "I also checked his credit cards, but of course he first will use the Swiss one, because they have rules even I don't want to break. No, I don't want to. But I'm checking on his bank records in Quantico and Paris, France, so…nothing." Garcia's voice got very quiet as her last source seemed to end. She took a deep breath. And another one. And another one. And Morgan got worried. "Penelope?"

"All I say is that despite our many possibilities, despite my genius in networking and stalking and stuff I won't be able to find Reid till he wants to be found. " She started to cry, and Morgan quickly stopped the loudspeaker. "Babygirl, he'll come back, right? It's Reid. He may need some time, but that's okay. He won't let us down. We're gonna find him. But right now we need to know where exactly his father lives, can you do that?"

"Of course, mon ami!" This time they all smiled, encouraged also by Garcia's efforts to stay brave, but before anyone could say anything, Rossi's mobile rang. "Hotch, what's going on? …No! You're joking, Aaron…damn it!" Her switched it off and threw it onto the floor. Morgan and Emily exchanged alarmed glances.

"Rossi?" Emily was done with not knowing. "Who was that?"

"Hotch, coming from Strauss. Reid has resigned."


	22. Chapter 22

_Actually, I don't even know if anyone still reads this…if you do, please tell me what you think of it._

Sirens shrieked, honks droned and more than one fist was raised against the black SUV that turned over in the middle of the highway and roared back to the city. None of the passengers cared. Emily remembered the picture of the fog Morgan had used it seemed like years ago. The last shade of an illusion that saved them from reality…

She fell asleep as soon as the plane had taken flight. Morgan and Rossi sat down at the other end to not disturb her. Will kept his silence as well – three minutes after Emily, he also was fast asleep.

"What do you think? Do we get him back?"

Rossi sighed. After a moment of silence, he shook his head. "I know Dr. Reid far too few. If I had to profile him…"

"You don't have to profile him, Rossi. I just want to hear your opinion."

"You want to hear he's coming back, that's what you want. But I can't promise you that."

Morgan nodded. Tiredly, he rubbed his eyes. "It's gonna be another three hours till Quantico, we should call Hotch, maybe…"

"You think he wouldn't have called us if anything had happened?" Rossi watched the young man fondly. "You should try to sleep, Morgan. You've been awake since thirty hours."

"It doesn't make sense", Morgan murmured, obediently closing his eyes. The tension still didn't leave his face. Rossi laughed bitterly. "It hasn't for a long time now."

_It doesn't make sense… _Reid had read Gideon's letter over and over again. He had analyzed the handwriting, had translated the text into twelve languages (without knowing why), had tried to read between every line – and at the same moment his mind winced at the mere thought of it. Did he really want to understand a man who didn't see any sense in anything? Did he really want to admit that he despaired of the world? The doctor sighed, a bitter smile curling his lips. Who cared if he even would admit it? To whom would he admit it? He had left his team. His father had left him. His mother was dead. He had managed to isolate himself totally. It should get better now. Statistically he had to get better; most people that told about a spiritual enlightenment – though most of them were more than only doubtable – had experienced it when they were alone. Far away from anything, just a man and his soul or something like that…that was the way to meditate.

The problem with meditating was that you should not think while doing it. Reid closed his eyes. He sat down in the middle of the room and tried for the sixty-eighth time to do exactly that. _Nothing. Think nothing…._

Morgan had given him the same advice before, and JJ too, both in the same context: talking about flirting and love. Which was strange as love had to do very much with thinking, it depended on thinking. That was one of the things Reid had learned in the last days. Once thinking and ration ended, instincts took over. And instincts had nothing to do with love. The way his team had killed Hankel and Lowell's grandmother – that had been out of instinct. They had killed two people just so Reid could live. Was that what they called family nowadays? And could he still call himself guardian of the law when so many crimes had been committed for his "sake"?

Not that he would want it, anyways. He had told Strauss everything she needed to know. There would be some papers to fill in, but it wouldn't take too long. Garcia would do the computing…

Reid's shoulders sank down. Garcia would try to understand him, but would she ever make it? Would anyone understand him?

But maybe nobody should even try. Reid sank down, cowered and crouched like a ball. He still remembered the team's reaction to Gideon's sudden leaving. Most of them had been angry, a normal survival instinct. Anger against helplessness, sadness and guilt. Reid had watched his colleagues carefully, especially Morgan. Though the womanizer didn't want to see it, he was an open book for his friends – yes, after all Reid had the strong feeling that Derek Morgan was a friend. And he _had_ felt guilt when Gideon had left. Actually, he had felt guilty since the moment Gideon hadn't taken him to Boston – where he would have died, most likely. When it had been clear that Gideon wouldn't return, anger had changed into hatred. Later on it had changed to contempt, which was much easier to hide. Eventually the contempt had changed to real sympathy, in all of them. No one had done the job as long as Gideon. No one had seen so much. Well – till now, at least.

Reid took a deep breath and stood up. He had arrayed the happenings of the past days often enough, arranged them according to brutality, the probability of a trauma for anyone, the time it had taken. He had profiled every one of his colleagues. The whole time it had taken him to drive here he had asked himself how the others would get on with everything, how they felt. The question how he felt himself was still stored back in his mind, and he had no intention of looking at it too closely.

Slowly, the doctor got up. All he knew was that he endangered everyone he loved, pathetical as that sounded. And he wasn't able to tell them how he felt. He had thought about writing letters, but time was running out. Reid knew that Hotch would look after him. All of them would try to find him, and he was grateful for it – but it had to stop. It couldn't go on like that, he was like a time bomb, and his team would never stop killing for him… the pain that pulsed in his head for weeks now suddenly changed into a sharp sting, and Reid broke down again. It didn't make sense anymore.

Eventually the pain drifted off. All that was left in the end was emptiness. Emptiness that talked about being alone, running away, being sad without the chance that the pain would ever go away. An emptiness that could only filled by one thing.

Dilaudid.

He couldn't go on anymore. He couldn't do it. The sun sank down behind the wood, gilding the tips of the trees. It was almost corny. Gideon's cottage was in the middle of mother Nature, and the evening was unbearably beautiful.

It was the saddest sunset Reid had ever seen.

It was the first sunset his mother would not see.


	23. Chapter 23

Still not awake, Emily shoved through the plane – and stopped dead at the sight of the sunset. Golden and pink it dipped the whole airport in warm light. "Prentiss, don't…" Rossi's voice trailed off as he reached the door, too. "Amazing, isn't it? No matter what we're doing down there…the sun knows her scene, and her keywords, and she plays her part till the end…every day anew."

Morgan, walking past them, frowned and shot a skeptical glance at Emily, but she didn't pay it back. She knew the picture Rossi had painted. Her mother had told her often enough of all the little cogwheels that had to play their part so in the end it would all go well. Every cog on every wheel had to do its best – in reality this had meant that Emily was to be quiet and obedient to her mother. She was a cog.

It had taken her long to realize that one cog more or less didn't stop the machine. One person didn't prevent the sun from rising even if he was crazy.

As she started at the BAU, Emily had to reconsider this opinion again. It did make a difference if someone really was crazy and started to destroy other cogs. Such persons were usually called "psychos" and it was the BAU's job to catch them – hopefully before they could kill even more people. But sometimes, they were too late – and the psychos fled to another wheel. The next to break. Now Reid was gone. The machine was going to die, slowly but steadily. And still the sun didn't care. It was the saddest sunset Emily had ever seen.

Without a word, Emily followed Morgan into the car.

JJ watched the same sunset in her apartment. Hotch had sent her home to look after Henry, sleep and cry. Well, Henry had cried as he had seen her sad face, he was bathed and fed now and was sleeping in her arms. At least his little face was relaxed now, and as JJ looked at him in the last rays of the sun, deep inside her she felt new emotions rising. Beneath her sadness and tiredness, there was something different. Anger. JJ was angry. At Lowell because he was an idiot, at Hankel because he was sick, at herself because she hadn't killed him earlier. At Reid's mother beacus she had died right at this moment, at herself because she hadn't been there. At Willbecaus he wanted to be the perfect husband now. At herself because she nearly had destroyed her marriage because of her ambition. At Hotch because he had sent her away, at Reid because he had run away. At Morgan and Emily and Rossi and even Garcia because they had not been able to prevent it. And at herself. Mostly at herself. She hadn't been there for Reid, she had been sure that what she was doing was the right thing. Because she had been sure that she knew Reid, and now she was standing there and didn't know where he was. If they would ever find him again. And if it would be good for Reid if they would find him again.

Hotch didn't even notice the sunset, and neither did Strauss. Silently they sat in the Section

Chief's bureau, the record of Dr. Spencer Reid between them. Slowly, Hotch nodded. "I

understand." The elder's face was unusual soft. "I am sorry, Aaron. You and your team have my

full support to get him back. Take as many agents as you need, take the dogs, whatever. But I can't

give you more time. I can't refuse a denouncement. Not for longer than 72 hours." She sighed.

"Before you ask me, I have thought about it for hours, but he didn't say anything about where he

was heading to. I tell you what I'm gonna do, Aaron. I am busy enough to not read this

denouncement for five days. But then I will have to. And I will hand it over to Garcia in

six days. I have no other choice. I am sorry. " "Don't mind." Hotch nodded, a small hint of a

smile in his eyes. "Thank you, Erin." "Alright. Even I have understood that you need your team.

And having a genius to work for you is never a bad idea." Hotch nodded again, then left. There

was no time to lose.

The way from Erin's bureau to Garcia's room, but it led him through the community room where the agent's desks stood. Five were it, standing there quietly, and at least three of the, were used normally. Now it was two. The world was drifting away.

"Garcia?" "I'm here, Boss." The analyst didn't look up, her eyes glued to the screens in front of her. Flying routes, maps and a searching program that seemed to scan his own CV. Curiozsly, he turned to face the blonde who still didn't look at him, but nodded shortly. "I'm checking up every place we ever worked at. Places with a connection to Reid get higher grades of course, Las Vegas, is out, but there's still Oklahoma, Miami, New York, Chicago, Boston, Roanoke, Elgin, Minneapolis,…I got loads of a too much of data, I'm searching for everything and I can't narrow anything down! I'm feeling like Reid's brain!" Now she looked at him, and her face, torn with sorrow and hurt pride as it was, had the same effect on Hotch as normally on the whole team: He smiled briefly and warmly. Automatically, Garcia smiled back and for a moment, a short wonderful moment, the world stopped shaking. Then the moment was gone, and Hotch thought about when he had smiled so much and so honestly for the last time: It had been at Haley's funeral. It was crazy and of course every smile had been followed by tears, but – he had remembered so many beautiful memories. So many thing they had lived through. And there had been so many people, people who had loved Haley. People who knew that the marriage failed, and still they hadn't said anything or shouted at him. Because there was something that connected them: the love for this great, brave woman. There had been so many people that simply wanted to help him and Jack. Friends. Family.

And now he was standing there and had nothing.

"Boss?" Garcia's smile had vanished, too. Fear was taking over. Helplessness filled the room. And the world kept drifting away.

"Derek?" Eventually Emily broke the silence. The other growled. Emily bit her lip. "Tell me, Prentiss! No matter what you're thinking of, we'll try it! Everything is better than nothing."

"You think Gideon could help us?" Even as she said it, Emily knew how ridiculous it was. But it was the only thing she could think of. "He trusts him! More than he trusts any of us!"

Morgan laughed. "Gideon let him down, as he did with all of us!" He shook his head. "Sorry, but forget about it. We don't know where Reid is. We don't know where Gideon is. Hell, we don't know nothing!"

"Go home and try to sleep, Penelope!" It didn't make sense anymore, and Hotch knew it. "We'll wait till everyon's here again, and tomorrow we'll think about it togeth…" The phone rang. Automatically, Garcia picked it. "Hey, sweetie." Her voice was empty. "You're still here or do I have to look for you too?"

"Hey, baby girl! Where is Gideon's blockhouse?"


	24. Chapter 24

_Sorry for not updating so long… I write this story in German, basically, and then translate it to English (so sorry for any mistakes, it's just not my mother tongue). The original version's almost finished, so I hope this one won't need much time either._

_Have fun!_

They drove altogether. What else was there to do? They had no information, no other tracks, no alternatives. There was no sense in splitting the team any more. Looking back Emily thought that it never had made sense at all.

Garcia went with them, but not even she managed to lighten the mood in the car – or to prevent Morgan from driving 30 m/h faster than he should. Four three hours, Hotch drove the allowed velocity, causing his car to fall back. As the second SUV closed the gap to the first after six hours of driving Emily knew that JJ had taken over the wheel.

Eight hours later she asked herself how fast Reid had driven – why didn't they see him? Had he really had such an advance? Or was there a shorter way?

Nine hours later she knew they had got lost. As they crossed the path of an old, light-struck oak Morgan stopped so harshly that Garcia gasped in shock. Angrily, Morgan's head shot round to her, but before Emily could say anything, his face grew soft. "Sorry, babygirl. I didn't wanna frighten you." Garcia nodded and managed a weak smile. "Alright, sweetheart. We're in a hurry." "We're in a hurry and we're lost", Emily stated drily. Right at that moment, Hotch knocked at the window. "Where do we have to go?" Morgan shook his head. "No idea. I'm sorry. It's somewhere round here in the forest, but.." He stopped dead when Hotch held up his hand and watched the edge of the wood right in front of them. Emily left the car and stood beside him. "Do you see something?" "I'm not sure."

Rossi and JJ left their car, too, and searched around. There was something, they could feel it, but it was hard to find out what exactly it was. The greenness of everything around didn't really help. Suddenly Rossi draw his weapon. "There!" He started to run, followed by JJ, Hotch and Morgan who had joined them outside. Emily stayed with Garcia. She looked into the car. "You're okay?" The tech goddess nodded bravely. "We'll find him, Emily"; she promised, and for a short happy moment Emily believed her.

Then there happened four things at the same time.

Morgan shouted something Emily didn't understand, but her name was part of it. Hotch shouted something she didn't understand, but her name was also part of it. Garcia shouted something that Emily didn't understand at all because right at that moment a man with the energy of a cannonball hit her and threw her down, pulling her head roughly through the window. For one horrible moment Emily feared her spine would break, and then the world turned black.

As Emily woke up again, she wished she hadn't. Her head felt like it would explode and with every breath she felt like the whole world would tear apart. She couldn't move. She couldn't even feel her hands. "Wha…waaaa" Hell, what was wrong with her mouth? Emily felt panic rising in her brain. Which basically was a good thing as it would cause her to hyperventilate and therefore going unconscious again.

"Shsh, don't talk! It'll be alright, okay? Help's on the way. It's okay!" JJ kneed down beside her and tried to steady her head. Her voice spoke of years of experience with traumatized victims, and a part of Emily was angry to be treated like that. But the other part was too much in pain to care, and there was a very small part she would never admit that craved for the comfort JJ offered. "The… the Uns…" "We got him, it's okay!" JJ seemed to read her mind, which was good because speaking hurt like hell. She tried to nod, but failed again. JJ kept speaking on before she opened her mouth again, "His name is George Anderson, he's from… Las Vegas. He was Eleanor Lowell's godson." "Hell, no." Another follower of Hankel? Was he schizophrenic, too? Had he found Reid? Had he hurt him, too?

Too many thoughts. The pain blinded her, and then the world turned dark.

As Emily woke up again she felt herself being lifted up onto a bier by two paramedics. JJ still held her hand, and as the paramedics carried her into the car, Morgan gently grabbed her other hand, saying something she couldn't understand. What she did understand, however, were the angry words of Penelope Garcia as she stepped into the car as well. "This ain't got nothing to do with you, Derek Morgan, but I won't let Emily drive this road alone! I know how lonely it can be, lying in a cold dark car and being in so much pain you wish you'd be dead. I'll come with her."

Even in her dazed mood Emily could see her colleague's smile breaking apart, eyes cast down. She knew that Morgan felt responsible for what had happened to her long ago, but for once neither Garcia nor she cared as the ambulance started to break through the woods, back to civility.

Rossi watched after the car as it made its way. "Hotch, what did they say? How bad is she?" Hotch's eyes followed the ambulance, too. It was obvious – and rare for Hotch – that he didn't want to answer. Which brought Morgan out of his dark memories. "Hotch? What did the paramedics say about Emily?"; he asked. "Will she be…" "Her cervical and many neck muscles are heavily injured. Chances are high for her to get paraplegic." Rossi closed his eyes, while Morgan lifted his up into the sky. "And you still wanna tell me there God is good?", he asked no one in particular. "Why Emily? Why Reid?"

Rossi sighed. "Let's talk to George Anderson."

They had been quite near Gideon's block house, actually. Now the former refuge turned into an interrogation room. As Morgan entered the house he felt something like a religious awe, despite everything he just had said. This had been Gideon's home, the only place where the old profiler had not had to play a role. Where was he now? Did he miss his work at the BAU?

Then the moment was gone, and all that mattered was that they had George Anderson cuffed to a table, the man who maybe had maimed Emily and seen Reid.

Rossi started friendly. "George, why don't you tell my friends what you've told me after you stumbled into Emily? Tell them about the last time you were here." The man's wild glance flew through the room, never stopping long enough to read his eyes- He was definitely a bit out of his mind, but didn't seem dangerous. Now. Slowly, he nodded. "Okay. And you drove all the way here?" "Yes", Anderson smiled proudly, "me alone. In grandma Ellie's car." "Ellie? You mean Eleanor Lowell, your godmother? The woman who lives in the same clinic as you?" Anderson's glance flew to JJ and then back to Rossi. "Yes. But now she's dead. Someone… killed her." He seemed quite astonished now. "Did you know that some people just kill other people? Just cause of nothing, and then they go to hell, and grandma Ellie's on a cloud in heaven… you think Raphael sits on the same cloud?"

The profilers looked at each other. "So you took your godmother's car?" "She said it was okay! I got a driver's licence, you know, I can drive! And I was… scared because of all the screaming and shooting up there and then grandma Ellie went up but didn't come back and…" Suddenly his expression changed. "And then I saw the skinny guy run out. And I knew he was it Raohael had warned us of." He seemed dangerous now.

"He is one of the guys you have to kill so you can get to heaven. If you have the chance. And I had."

JJ felt tears building up in her eyes. The silence inside the room almost choked her, and she could see from Morgan's face that he was feeling the same way. Hotch asked the question everyone felt hanging in the air; "And did you kill him?"

George Anderson still looked into Rossi's eyes, directly and angry. "No, I didn't. But I see him." JJ buried her face in her hands to hide the relief that now brought the tears out of her eyes. He was alive! And he had been here! Rossi smiled, too, but before anybody could say anything, Morgan's phone rang.

"Officer Blakeney? Yeah, it's Morgan. What…yes, small, skinny, brown hair…where did you see him? How…okay, thanks. Keep him there, we're on our way!" He looked at the others. "Hotch, we need to go to Vegas again!"


	25. Chapter 25

This time it was Rossi's turn to drive, while JJ sat in the back seat, trying to sleep. There were still a lot of questions on the line – more than ever, perhaps – but right now, they wouldn't answer any of them. So, basically, sleep sounded good.

If there wouldn't be a horror film running inside her head whenever she closed her eyes.

_Black dogs, Reid, Hankel, Emily, Eleanor, Hankel, blood, Lowell, Emily, blood, Reid, blood, Hankel._

No, she definitely wouldn't be able to sleep.

"JJ? Did I wake you up?"  
>She startled up as Hotch turned around. "I'm okay." How long had she slept? "Where are we?" Hotch and Rossi shared a glance that made her feel like a schoolgirl, and that made her angry. Rossi's smile faded eventually as he said, "one of us should stay with Emily. We're almost here." JJ was totally awake now, and worried. A feeling she was sure she would never again get rid off. "Garcia called already?" "Not yet", Hotch said shortly, trying and failing to keep his own sorrow at bay. "We think you should stay with her, JJ." "Actually, I don't think that's such a good idea anymore", Rossi murmured, and JJ looked at him in even angrier confusion. "And why is that, agent Rossi?" Suddenly the veteran seemed older than he really was. "I don't know Emily Prentiss as well as you do. But I already had more problems…I already fought with her more often than you did. And most of the time it was my fault. I think I owe it to her to be there and support her now in every way I can. In the name of our team." JJ closed her eyes. Rossi hadn't said it aloud, but she knew what he was thinking – what they all were thinking: What if Emily would stay paralyzed?<p>

"And if we really get to find Reid, which I pray to God we will", Rossi continued, "you'll be more helpful than me." He managed a smile, and JJ found herself forgiving the elder. For him, too, it was a new and difficult situation.

"Alright. So after Morgan hands over Anderson to the police, he'll join us?"

Hotch nodded. "The three of us are going to Vegas again."

Reid knew he was being watched. Right now, as he had been watched for days. And not only by Officer Blakeney's men. He could have easily fled from them – easier even than from the guy in the blockhouse. The doctor rubbed his eyes. His brain worked faster and harder than most other brains – it needed more energy. Sleep, in that case. He needed to sleep.

The problem was that sleep was one of the few things he couldn't do right now.

Why did he even care? His mother was dead, he had left his family – as Gideon had left him. Preposterous to reason Reid had hoped to find him. But of course it had been in vain. By now he didn't know why he had left the place, or why he had come here again. Maybe because he couldn't go back to Quantico.

The survival instinct in humans was stronger than Reid had thought. He had read enough biographies about people who endured 127 hours without food and water, for example. The human body was incredibly strong if the brain longed for life.

So – he did obviously care for his life. For a reason he couldn't see right now.

The bushes behind him rustled, and he turned around, weapon raised. It hadn't been locked for a long time.

Nothing.

Reid took a deep breath. There was nothing. He had just tried to kill the wind. There were only two possibilities for him: He was either chased by a criminal, a psycho with paranoid schizophrenia, knowing his luck. That was the better option.

Or it was him who got paranoid schizophrenia, inherited by his mother. If this was the case, he could commit himself into the clinic, where he was right now. Or he could kill himself and end it all.

Again it rustled behind him, and this time Reid managed not to raise his weapon as he turned around.

It wasn't the wind anymore…


	26. Chapter 26

„How do you mean…probably irreversible?"

Dr. Gordon sighed. The phenomenon of acting like an idiot when facing bad diagnoses was not unknown to him. In fact, he had noticed it from the first day of his career – but he still wasn't used to it after thirty years. Why did patients think their condition would change if he explained it to them twice? Some things didn't change, and they didn't get easier to bear if they were spoken of more often. Truth surely was a good thing, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. And the most of the time the greatest idiots were the most intelligent. Athletes, politicians, pilots, cops. FBI-agents. They didn't want to realize it, but here at the hospital even those big guys had to face it: they were human. One day they would die and feed the worms as well as the criminals they chased. And they weren't even that successful. Actually, everything those people found were more corpses – and now he should be nice to them? The hell he would!

"Doctor?" The blonde woman's shy voice brought Dr. Gordon back to reality. Her name was Penelope, he remembered it. Penelope G-something, exactly his daughter's name. His dead daughter's name. The monster had tortured and killed her, and what had the FBI done? They had held her responsible! His sweet baby…

"Dr. Gordon! What's gonna happen?" Now Penelope's voice sounded really worried, and Dr. Gordon looked up, looked into his patient's eyes for the first time.

Emily gasped. The name alone could be coincidence, but the face…

"Doctor, your daughter…" "I will not speak about her. Nor will you, agent!" His voice was sharper than he had wanted. He wouldn't be able to hold back the tears very much longer, and he didn't want the FBI to watch him cry. "You know what irreversible means. I will make some more tests with you tomorrow. You should sleep now." He left the room, leaving a perplexed Garcia and a shocked Emily.

"Well, that…wasn't too bad for now", the technician murmured and then gently stroke Emily's cheek, "it's gonna be alright tomorrow, okay? You'll do this. You're still my hero, Emily!" Emily shook her head, just once because it hurt too bad. She didn't want to be anybody's hero right now. She wanted to feel her legs, or at least a distraction, and therefore she wanted to think about Reid. The whole thing was about him, after all. It was always about him.

After some minutes in silence, Garcia thought Emily was asleep and stood up. Just before she reached the door, Emily called her back. Her voice was cold as ice. "Do you really think I can't stop you just because I can't walk?"

Garcia froze. She didn't even dare to turn around. "What do you need, Emily?" Her voice cracked with fear, and Emily collapsed on the bed again. "I'm sorry", she whispered hoarsely, "I'm so sorry, Penelope, I don't know why I just said that, I didn't mean to, I just…I just.." Her voice trailed off. She had never felt so helpless. The pain controlled not only her body, by now it seemed to control her mind as well. Diane Reid must have felt like this her half life, and Hankel as well. It was a miracle that they had made it that long.

"It's okay, Emily!" Garcia had returned to the bed, a weak but honest smile on her lips. "What do you need, honey?" "Oh yes…could you…could you ask Doctor Gordon if he knows who killed his daughter? Or you could just bring him to me and I'll ask him myself!", she quickly added as Garcia went pale.

But Garcia had regained her courage. "No, I'll ask him. She was a Penelope. I'm a Penelope. And Gordon hates you." And she went to the door again. Just as she reached the door, Emily called her back. Again.

Now, however, her voice was warm. "You know something, Garcia? Morgan's a good guy, really. And I know he'd do anything to protect you. But honestly…you're so much braver than him. You're so much braver than all of us!"

"I hate to mention it, but what if Reid doesn't want to come back? He's run away from us!" Morgan didn't look at his colleagues, but JJ nodded nevertheless. She didn't know what she wanted right now – landing in Vegas and seeing Reid again or staying forever in this moment of timelessness. "He will listen to us", she said, "and as far as I know him, he'll feel guilty." The others nodded, but didn't break the silence. So it was again JJ's to speak – speak out the question that floated in the conditioned air: "Is he still in danger?" Hotch sighed. He had feared this question. Most of all because he had no rational answer. Morgan seemed to have found sleep after all, but JJ's eyes were still locked onto his face, and Hotch knew he had to say something. "Not really. Officer Blakeney says no. But I won't risk it." His face grew hard. JJ knew the rest of the sentence even though Hotch didn't say it._Not anymore_.

Gently she laid her hand on his arm. "Hotch, Hayley's death wasn't your fault. You have to forgive yourself."

Hotch backed away. His eyes were even colder than his voice. "Don't dare profiling me, JJ." The woman didn't move. "I don't profile you, Hotch. I know you. We all do, and we're all worried. We've been worrying since before this case started." "Alright, so I need some holiday. A brilliant conclusion, thank you. But it won't help us here." JJ held his glance till Hotch closed his eyes, trying to sleep too.

She _did_ know him.

"Garcia!" Rossi's relief to finally find his teammate was quickly replaced by confusion as he saw her expression. "Good god, girl, what's wrong with Prentiss?" He still was surprised how much he loved his new team. Garcia shook her head, but the panic didn't leave her eyes. "Not Emily. It's just… we now know Hankel's last accomplice. Remember, the guy who killed the woman who we thought killed the others before…" She broke off as she saw the confusion grow wider on Rossi's face. It was a nightmare. "Anyways, you know him, Rossi. Her. You know…we know him. Or her. We sent him into a clinic in Las Vegas. Yes, that clinic." She swallowed, and then the words galloped out of her mouth: "Basically she's a he, but he's schiziophrenic and…basically his name is Adam Jackson. But since we met him, he calls himself Amanda. God, Rossi, what's wrong with our world?"


	27. Chapter 27

„Hello, Doctor Reid."

Reid didn't need his 187-IQ to recognize the voice at once. "Adam?" Against better knowledge he addressed the man that had reminded him so much of himself – and of Hankel, in a way. The woman that appeared out of the shadows, however, seemed only mildly surprised. "I hoped you'd have realized it by now. He won't come back." I'm not so sure about that." Slowly, Reid moved his hand away from his gun and into the air, a gesture of both peace and appeasement. "I know that Adam is still here. He will come back."

His voice was shallow and weak, but seriously – it was always shallow and weak. It wasn't Reid's voice or his charisma or his non-existing qualities at shooting that normally attracted people. It was the content of what he said, the knowledge he offered. Reid hated being reduced to a "what". Especially in his job, the "why" and "how" were at least as important.

Adam had had the same problem. He also had only been acknowledged for the "what", for the work he had done. Nobody had ever been interested in who he was – they hadn't even recognized when Amanda had taken over. Now, she controlled Adam completely. She had been in psychical treatment, of course, and Reid had visited her, but not here. When and how had she moved to Las Vegas?

Amanda laughed. "You can't seriously believe that, Doctor. Adam is dead. He didn't make it. But I'm still here. And I am stronger than Adam ever was."

"I thought you wanted to protect Adam!" Shocked, Reid backed away. Involuntarily, he scanned the surrounding, which was more than ridiculous since even if Adam was here somehow, he still was in Amanda's body. Or vice versa, rather.

"Whom are you waiting for, Doctor Reid?" The woman in front of him smiled sweetly. There was nothing left of the shy young man, or the protective sister Amanda once had been. In this last year, Amanda must have met someone who had confirmed her in her reign over Adam's body. Someone who had told her that Adam wasn't only weak but had to die. Someone who had brought her here, to this clinic. To this garden. To him.

For a moment fear overwhelmed Reid. He was paranoid, he saw things that simply weren't there. A small part of him just wanted to die, why else had he come here? Back to the beginning. He was just a small piece in the great game of the Archangel. A game Amanda would end.

Suddenly, a smile formed on the lips of the profiler, shy as Adam's smile had been. Amanda's smile, on the other hand, froze. But Reid didn't see it. He looked at the trees without seeing them. Different trees appeared in front of his eyes, a peaceful forest, a small blockhouse, untouched by time. It was beautiful. The only thing that disturbed the harmony had been the envelope Reid had found in the shield of the ceiling lamp as he had laid down on the floor. It had been there as if it had waited for Reid. It had waited. Gideon had waited.

The world was at its place again, even if Reid was about to be crazy now. He had to believe that.

The fear was gone.

"Per mulierem culpa sucessit", the doctor declared, still not looking at Amanda directly. "Woman brought sin into the world. That was the reason Raphael needed to kill my mother." He swallowed as the pain stung again. His mother was gone. Forever.

Amanda turned her head to catch his eyes, her own wide open in a mixture of confusion and amazement. "That's what he said", she whispered.

"Of course." Reid took a slow step forwards, and automatically, Amanda copied his movements. She didn't seem to understand.

"What do you think Raphael saw in you? You're a woman, too. Even more now that you say Adam's dead. " Reid's smile grew wider as he saw his chance. He knew who he was again, and he knew he was the only one who could end this – not with muscles or attitude. With brain. With "what".

"Even more now that you have given up your role as a protector. You are just a woman. Just a sinner. And you know what Raphael does with sinners."

Amanda shook her head, but couldn't pull her eyes away from Reid. They revealed her fear, but her voice was still firm: "What he _saw_ in me? Oh, doctor, you disappoint me again. You are waiting for a dead boy", her eyes flickered, "but you want to kill an angel? An archangel? Do you believe in God, Doctor Reid? That He created the people as they are? That He created me, as I am? Amanda?" She smiled again, and it was almost a flirty smile now, wider than Adam had ever smiled. "You know – maybe you aren't as clever as you thought to be. Maybe I'm right. Exactly as I am. Maybe it's you who doesn't fit in here." She closed her eyes, as if to listen to an inner voice, but quickly opened them again. "You know…"

"Yes, I do believe. Maybe not the way you do, Amanda, but I understand what you're talking about. And yes, I think…there is a high possibility that maybe… there could be something like a higher power. And maybe this…higher power knows who we are and what we do. Maybe it has even created us as we are. With all we are inside, all our inner light. Good and bad. The human kind is not perfect. Adam was not perfect. I… am not perfect." Reid took a deep breath. Amanda was obviously alarmed, but she still found the power to ignore the profiler's words.

And to attack.

It was too sudden for Reid to react. She drove him to the ground, his head banging down on the earth. The seconds of unconsciousness were enough for her grab his weapon. One look into her eyes made it clear to Reid that she was willing and ready to shoot.

"You're alive for far too long, Doctor Reid.", the woman explained quietly. "Your time's running out. This is your destiny. As it was my destiny to sacrifice Adam. He was weak. He couldn't do this. But I can!" She pointed the gun directly at his heart.

_At last my team will know it wasn't suicide…_

Once again fear made its way through Reids body, once again the world started to shake – which was probably due to his still hurting, booming head. Reid looked away from Amanda and up to the perfectly round, silver moon. It had a shield. And in this shield there was an envelope, and in the envelope was a letter. A letter so cruel and beautiful that it shone brighter than the moon.

He faced Amanda again. "You're right. I am here because it is my destiny. But it doesn't come from Raphael. I chose this fate myself. I chose this path…"

"Liar! You can't choose your fate, that's the only reason you're still alive! You're a sinner, bound to be sacrificed. That's why you were allowed to live for so long." She smiled again, bitter, aggressive, uncertain.

Now it was Reid who copied her movements. "That's an interesting explanation", he admitted, "gut it isn't true. Believe me, Amanda. You're too clever to think that is all that it's about. You know the truth. We choose our fate ourselves. Not everything, of course. We can't choose our parents." He swallowed again. The smile was gone. Bu his voice was still strong, as he quoted the precious words.

"I was talking about light, Amanda. Light isn't imperatively good. It is just energy. Energy in its purest form, and we can use it the way we want to. We can light a lantern, fly high up into the sky and give light to all that we see. Or we can stay on the ground and become an oven to warm others." Amanda started to shiver, the gun moving slowly down. "You're a liar", she whispered, but Reid ignored him. Underneath, he felt the ground moving.

"Or we can became muzzle flash. We can be the end of the chain and kill. We can be dynamite and destroy everything around us, light and darkness. That's what Raphael did. He doesn't make any difference…"

"No!"

"…between my mother and you. He doesn't believe we can choose who we want to be. Amanda, for Raphael you are lost as well! You are just a piece of dynamite…" "You lie! The archangel is great, he saved me, and you killed him, you killed him!"

"Think again, Amanda! Where is Eleanor Lowell? Her loyalty was beyond question, and he let her die! He doesn't even differ between you and me! He didn't even want to kill me, he wanted to kill my mother!" Reid broke off. The shivering of the ground grew firmer. Something was coming. Most likely, this "something" was a group of policemen, looking for him. Amanda wouldn't stand a chance, threatening an agent.

"What?" Amanda's eyes were glowing. She pulled the gun up again, but it was a defense now, not an attack. She was afraid.

"Amanda, I know you did what you did because you wanted to protect Adam." Reid's voice was gentle now, as he moved sideward, into the line of fire from behind.

"I know you spent your light on a good cause. You protected Adam, all the time you were an oven for him. You helped him survive in this cold world. But Raphael didn't see that. He wanted to use you as dynamite, he wanted to destroy you on the way, just because you're a woman! Now let Adam do for you what you did for him. Let him return! Let him shine!"

"No! No, I can't, he…" Again, Amanda seemed to listen to an inner voice. The calls that echoed through the woods grew louder. Reid closed his eyes in horror. They were so near, far too near. He needed more time.

"Amanda, you need to hide now! You need to save yourself. Let Adam take over, just for now. Your light will still shine, Amanda, I promise, you won't be lost! But for now, only Adam can save you both, and I know that's what you want! You want him to be safe!"

"Put the gun down!"

A group of people appeared from the shadows, two Snipers, Officer Blakeney, an other officer and then – the worst of all. JJ, Hotch and Morgan. The latter stood at the front, and it was him who had shouted. Morgan's eyes, however, were fixed on Reid, not on the gun. The affection in them washed over Reid like a flame, a warm cover, and yet it filled him with panic. Morgan wouldn't hesitate to shoot. Neither would Hotch and JJ – she had crossed this border long ago. With a last glance to his team, he turned his back on them and focused on Amanda again.

"It's gonna be okay, Amanda. You just have to let Adam come back, he's waiting. And he won't be angry with you", suddenly, one of his mother's greatest fears popped into his mind, "believe me, Adam loves you. Just as you love him. Adam knows you just wanted to protect him."

"He's in our line of fire", Morgan murmured, too relieved to be really angry. They'd found Reid, and he was alive. He was alive and as crazy as ever. For once, they had not come too late. "This woman is mad", Hotch whispered back, destroying the agent's happiness, "and she's got Reid's gun. No matter what he thinks, she's dangerous." "You think about Stockholm-Syndrom? With Reid?" JJ had promised herself not to fight with Hotch again, but this was about Reid's safety. "Spencer knows what he's doing." Slowly, the team leader nodded. "I know."

Officer Blakeney had overheard the conversation just with one ear. Quickly, she motioned her snipers to get ready. "On my word." The men nodded, fingers at the triggers.

As he heard the unlocking of the rifles, Morgan turned around. "Don't shoot", he hissed at the sniper next to him, but the man was trained to follow Blakeney's orders, and no one else's. He ignored the agent and aimed. It was all Blakeney could do to shout "No!" at the men.

Unfortunately, Matthew Fox, sniper at the far side, didn't understand his boss's orders. All he heard was her voice, and something that sounded like a "Go!"

And off the bullet went.

Reid spun around and jumped. His left shoulder went aflame, blood flooding so quickly that he got sick. But it was okay. The bullet was buried deeply in his body, so deep he couldn't even breathe, but it was okay. Amanda was alive. Maybe Adam, too. And his family was on the way. This was a good way to die. A good way to let his light fade.

Then they were at his side, JJ breaking down beside him, crying. Morgan stood his ground, but the way he shouted into the phone to get an ambulance wasn't really the behavior of an agent. Rather that of a frightened child – like Henry, actually. This was the last thought for a while. Hotch pressed his jacket onto Reid's shoulder, hard enough to make the doctor faint with pain.

He woke up as one of the paramedics put a mask on his face and him on a barrow. From the shocked looks on JJ's and Morgan's faces Reid guessed he wasn't the only team member they had seen like that. What had happened? What had he let happen to his team?

"Doctor Reid? Are you alright?" Big brown eyes scanned him. Crazy eyes that searched other crazy eyes. Reid held his breath. There was something. Something had changed. The darkness crept into his brain again, but there was something…

"Get her away from him!", JJ snapped, but the eyes remained locked.

"A…Adam?" Reid cursed his voice for being so weak. And his consciousness for breaking away again.

"Doctor Reid? I almost thought you had forgotten about me!"

_I'm really very sorry for every grammar mistake. As I translated this chapter (I posted the whole story in German already) I realized how long I haven't written anything in English. So…yes. Sorry. I know it's bad, I hope it'll improve soon._


	28. Chapter 28

„Oh…okay, honey, but don't dare lose him again!" Garcia's voice pitched dangerously high. Gently, Emily took the phone out of her friend's hand – a mistake that made Garcia shrieking even shriller. "Don't touch my…" Shrieking turned to screeching, and Rossi pitied Morgan on the other end of the line. He was probably deaf by now.

"Babygirl, you're okay here?" Not yet, as it seemed. Rossi smiled.

Emily smiled, too. It was good to hear Morgan's warm, worried voice. It was good that no matter what happened, he and Garcia kept on flirting. It was good that they finally had Reid back alive. He was in a hospital, but with Morgan, JJ and Hotch there were only slight chances to run away. That was good. Everything was good. Somehow. God, these damned painkiller-pills! She was as high as she had been as a teenager…

"Penelope!" Before the women could calm down enough to answer, Rossi took the phone out of Emily's hand. "It's alright here, Morgan. We're just celebrating a bit… it's good to have Doctor Reid back in the family now." The word came quickly now. Family. His team was a family. Rossi's smile got wider.

JJ sat at the bed, her hands clasping one of Reid's, and fought against sleep. Slowly, the adrenaline in her blood drained away, it was almost as if she could close her eyes without seeing blood and corpses and her loved ones dead…

"JJ?"

"Spencer!" The adrenaline was back. Anxiously but gently, she stroke a strand of hair out of her long-lost friend's face. "You should do something with your hair." "You think? I like them long. I guess." Reid frowned. Had he really just said that?

For a moment, JJ's face mirrored his own confusion, then she laughed softly. "They really filled you up." The she turned earnest again. "I better tell Hotch…" "No, don't!" It was more a whisper than a shout, but it sent shivers up JJ's neck till she felt it on her head. Reid's eyes were filled with terror. Pure terror. And she understood it – she felt it herself. This was the moment. This was the final moment they had been waiting and dreading for all the time, the moment when Reid was with them again, safe and sound – able to listen to their explanations, and able to explain himself. The shivering continued and widened, goosebumps crawled over her arms. JJ was scared, too. Scared of using the wrong words – words that would make her lose Reid again, and this time forever. She shouldn't be doing this. Someone else had to do it – Gideon had to do this, but he had let them down years before. He would haven been objective, while JJ wasn't anymore. She had been sure to be objective, to accept every decision Reid would make, but right now that she finally got him back she couldn't believe that it was better – for anybody - to let him go. Gideon should do it. Hotch should do it.

"JJ, please!" Reid's puppy eyes grew even wider. "I promise I will tell you everything you want to know…I will try. But I can't right now! Please!" His voice was still very weak, and JJ felt her mother's instinct awake inside. Spencer needed her. She knew that there was no one the genius trusted as much as he trusted her. And there was no one she trusted more than him. Not even Hotch. Of course not Will.

It was okay. This was her job. Her moment to tell Spencer he couldn't go, and that the team would always be with him. That she would always be with him.

"Okay." Her voice was soft now, as if she spoke to a child. "We're gonna get through this, Spencer. There's a lot to talk about, and loads of papers to fill in, but…" "I'm sorry, JJ. I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you all." He didn't dare to look up.

"It's okay." Again, JJ stroke Reid's hair back, but let her hands rest in the soft curls now. "You didn't do nothing wrong, Spence! There's nothing to be sorry for." Gently, her hand moved down to Reid's cheek now, following the line of his collarbone. "Garcia's got your cancelation stuffed away somewhere, that's no problem, so…" She broke off, her hand falling down into her lap, teras falling down her cheeks. Now it was JJ who didn't dare meet Reid's eyes. What had she done? "I'm sorry", she whispered, her left hand braced across her face, the right one still lying motionlessly in her lap. "I'm so sorry, Reid, I didn't mean to…"

Reid cursed the tubes in his body. Akwardly, he moved to pat JJ softly on the back. He wasn't good at comforting people. Especially not JJ. It had always been her who comforted _him_. Maybe it would be a good idea if Hotch came…no.

Suddenly filled with determination, Reid moved in an upright position. He could do this. Adam had managed to come back, against all odds. He had fought against the most terrible of enemies – against himself – and he had won. He could do the same. For a very short moment another picture appeared before Reid's eyes – Tobias Hankel, who had fought against his own inner demon also. He had lost. But Reid wouldn't lose. He owed it to his team to fight this war, and to win. He owed it to his team to come back. Even if he could never accept it that they had killed for him so easily. He had to fight, and whatever he would decide, it would be his decision alone – no inner demon to be held guilty for. And that left him only one choice. He had nobody else. His mother was dead. Gideon was gone. He had nobody apart from the people that had turned to murderers because of him.

"Spencer…" still not looking at him, JJ took Reid's hand that still lay on her back, and held it tight. Her voice was still soft, but firm again. "I never should have said that, and I'm sorry for it. Really. We want you to be happy, and whatever you decide now, which way you follow – it'll be okay for us. Even if you…choose to…leave us…"

"Emily's afoot again!" Morgan stormed into the room, beaming. "She needs some physical therapy for a few weeks, but she'll be on top soon." JJ sighed deeply. Not because of the happy news but also because Morgan's interruption, ruthless as it was, prevented her from saying more. Reid didn't react at all.

Morgan's face suddenly grew serious. He suddenly remembered something Emily had said earlier, "How can we ever again meet Reid's eyes if he trusts us to tell him everything, if he trusts us to trust him? He will blame himself forever, and he will start to blame us too. And we will take the blame because we deserve it and for Reid so he can find his peace. Hankel's won." This wasn't only about Dr. Reid being part of the criminal investigation or not. Leaving the BAU would change not only Reid's job but his whole life. It wasn't about keeping a friend near, it was about keeping him alive – for if he left, a part of him would die. Morgan was sure about that. This was the moment to save him – and it was his job to do it. Quickly, Morgan grabbed the old handkerchief. It was still in his pocket.

"JJ; maybe you should try to sleep", he said, his eyes not moving from Reid's stony face. JJ nodded slowly. She was tired. Whatever Reid would do, she couldn't change it anymore. She was so tired- So tired… Morgan held her up se she stumbled out of the small room and sat her on a chair outside. "Don't let him go", JJ whispered, and then she fell asleep.

Morgan sighed as he came back. "Poor girl. She fights on too many frontiers right now if you ask me." Reid stared at the ceiling, not saying a word. As Morgan started to laugh, however, he had to look at his colleague. "Pretty boy, even Rossi's realized by now how insistent I can be." Slowly, he pulled out the handkerchief. "Reid, I know the world's just crashing down on you, and I know a part of you wants to kill us all. And I understand it, but…we've got to talk."


	29. Chapter 29

Reid didn't look up as Morgan unfolded the handkerchief, looked at it for a moment and then carefully restowed it in his pocket. He didn't look up as the agent looks at him. Morgan would lose his patience sooner or later – sooner, he guessed – and it was easier to stare at a bleak white all than at someone you were used to care for. That was the main reason he didn't want to look at the others. If he did, he would forgive, and he didn't want to forgive. He didn't want to understand what the team had done – Hankel's death, his mother's death, Emily lying in a rehab hospital. He was tired of looking for a sense behind it all. He was tired of everything.

But he had to. Without moving his head, he said, "I guess I owe you an explanation." He threw a short glance sideward. Morgan seemed surprised. "I just wanted to say the same."

Reid smiled coldly. "I doubt that." Short sentences were good, his voice stayed more even that way. It even sounded dismissing now. Another short glance showed him that it worked. Morgan was heart-stricken, the words he had wanted to say obviously dying on his lips. The agent had counted on hopelessness, fear, sadness – but not with this coldness. Bad luck for him. Reid was tired of listening.

But Morgan wouldn't stop, no matter what Reid was thinking about him. Even if their friendship would be destroyed after this talk – Morgan would not leave him now. It suddenly struck the genius that Morgan had sacrificed himself for the team, in a certain way. Someone had to talk with him, and JJ couldn't do it – objectively she had just failed. It hurt to see this strong woman, his best friend, broke down before a problem. It hurt even more that _he_ was this problem.

"Reid…" Morgan pulled him out of his thoughts, "I know you can't forgive us right now. I know you don't want to. And I understand. But that's not the point now. You cancelled, you're free to go." Morgan took a deep breath. His own words scared him, but he felt Reid listening to him after all. "You know…" He shook his head and fell silent. This should have been easier. He burrowed his face in his hands, and involuntary Reid felt his resistance weaken. That was a natural reaction: Morgan's obvious uncertainty, his helplessness made Reid automatically feel stronger and safer. On the other hand Morgan's arm muscles were exposed now, and his big hands also. Should he have forgotten about it, this was the reminder: There was nowhere to run. The ice around Reid's heart grew again. "You don't have to frighten me, Morgan." "I already told JJ that I will explain everything. And then I will leave." Quickly, Reid looked at the ceiling, hoping the other would not see the furor in his eyes.

Morgan looked away, too. "You really think I want to frighten you?" He closed his eyes firmly so the tears would not escape. "I don't want to profile you, Reid", he said calmly, "and I don't want to manipulate you either. You just know me, okay? You know how I am, in every possible way, in every situation, because we work together, because we spend more time with each other than with our families! You know me! And I know you. I know we hurt you, I know the world hurt you, and I'm sorry, Reid, I really am. Terribly sorry. But what you're doing now is just stupid. You run away you really think that will help? Leaving everyone you care for just so they can't be taken away from you? This week, I almost lost two of my friends, and I could do nothing against it. Nothing. I won't do nothing ever again."

It was only as Morgan stopped that Reid noticed he had turned his eyes away from the ceiling. The two agents sat their facing one another now. A weak smile appeared on Morgan's lips. "Hey, Reid." Reid nodded slowly. He was ready to listen now, but that was all he could do. "What's wrong with Emily?" "We've been at Gideon's cottage too, just a few hours after you left. George Anderson – did you see that guy before you stole his car?" Reid shook his head. "Anyway, he wanted to kill you, but he couldn't. And when we…okay, when I drove in the wrong direction, he suddenly came out of the woods and ran into Emily. She almost got beheaded by the car window. We thought she'd be paralyzed at least." For a moment, Morgan was in the woods again, lost in the wilderness, in the deepest silence he had ever heard. Emily, white as death, her neck twisted in a way that made him sick. Garcia, paralyzed with terror. Blood on the earth. Silence, everywhere silence. And no Reid. Morgan closed his eyes as the memories washed over him. In this moment he had been totally helpless – helpless like when he his father had been shot. Determined, Morgan opened his eyes. Stop. Time to get into the Here and Now again. It was not as if he had no challenges here. But here, he had a chance. "Rossi just said she's gonna be okay. Four weeks rehab, one week special training and we'll have her back." The silence that followed was heavy with the unspoken question: What do we have to do to have you back?

"Morgan…" "Seven years. We've been working together for seven years. Reid, I know you're angry, I know you feel good with not forgiving us, and I'm sorry. And yes…I'm sorry for what we've done to Hankel. Man, we executed him." Reid's eyes glowed, and it was this glowing that broke down Morgan's professionality, "so that's it? You don't trust us anymore because we lost it once? Yeah, we did! We lost it because he should have been dead for a long time, and he still was out there! You too killed Hankel! Or you would have if you…"

"…if I could aim directly?", Reid completed the sentence. Morgan cursed himself. "Reid, I…"

"You're right. I can't shoot. Especially not when I just got tortured and filled up with drugs for three days. You know, Gideon mentioned that in the case act. He said it was a sign of professionality that I stopped my torturer quickly and painless. Do you think he would say that to you?"

Morgan looked down now. "Was that the reason you went into the woods?", he whispered, as if he hadn't enough enrgy left to speak louder, "Did you want to look for Gideon? Did you find him?"

"Thirteen bullets. You killed Raphael without even thinking about Tobias. Now he's dead also. And his father, too. You killed three people just to protect me." It was as if Reid hadn't heard him. His voice was shallow, as if what he had to say was too heavy. "But you never could protect me. I've understood that by now. It was my job. It was my job to save Tobias! I could've done it! I saved Adam! I would…"

"You would have done what? Getting in the way of someone who was obsessed with you? Obsessed enough to drive through half the country just to find and kill your mom and you? Do you…" Morgan interrupted himself. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to remind Reid of the twelve people Hankel and Lowell had killed.

This time Reid couldn't read his ex- colleague's thoughts. He looked through Morgan, but the contempt in his eyes was long gone. There was only sadness left. "I could have saved him, Morgan. I could have saved Tobias." "Pretty boy, you saved him. Right at the moment you shot him." Morgan's voice had become very soft. "I don't know what happened in that cottage, but you helped Tobias. He found his peace. I think the Hankel we killed was only Raphael and the father. Tobias died after the shot, he never killed anybody." "You mean I killed the only innocent in Hankel's personality? That's not very encouraging." Reid bit his lips before his voice could give away more of his feelings. "I need to end this alone, Morgan", he murmured. "Everything…it was good of Hotch to split the team, but he should have left JJ and Rossi out of it, too. He should have let me do this alone."

"You're serious? Whoa, Reid, what did they put into your veins? Letting you go alone?" Morgan laid his hands on Reid's shoulders. "Reid, we're a team. We're a family, and you belong to that family. That will never change, wherever you may be. I partly understand Hotch's decision, but I didn't like it. There's no I in team, remember?" Before Reid could answer anything, the agent pulled the handkerchief out again and put into the other's hands. "I thought you should have it. Your mother's an organ donor and most of the things in her apartment belong to the clinic, but…her books and clothes are in a store in Vegas right now. As soon as you get out of here the things will be sent to wherever you want."

Reid nodded, not understanding a single word Morgan said. All he could do was staring at the heavy silk before him. It was his, as his mother had wanted it to be. He had hated this cloth his whole life long, without having seen it once. Now it was all that was left of his mother. For a few seconds he fought against the tears, then he gave up. "Thank you, Morgan." The other smiled. "Anytime."

Family, Reid thought. That was the meaning behind it all. A family that had killed for him. That was ready to let him go now.

Did he really want to leave?

Morgan smiled as he saw the various emotions running over Reid's face. He knew he had done everything he could, and he seeing the tears in the genius' eyes he knew that it had been the right thing. "Reid…it doesn't matter what we think. Or what we would do. The only thing that matters is that you know what you're doing, and why you're doing it. I believe that the BAU still is your home, we all do believe that, but it's not ours to decide. If you feel you need to leave, then go. But please don't stop fighting, okay? Fight for the good side. That's what's important in the end. What we did may have been wrong, but we did it to achieve the right things. We did it to stop evil. Your work at the BAU was such a fight, Reid, and it's a part of who you are. Don't stop that."

_Use your experience to become a better agent. A better man…_

"If you can't go on this way, Reid, then look for another one. Whatever it may be…there's a light inside of you. You're a genius, and more. You're a great person, Spencer Reid. And if you need us we'll be here. We're a family."

_Light isn't imperatively good. It is just energy. Energy in its purest form, and we can use it the way we want to. We can light a lantern, fly high up into the sky and give light to all that we see. Or we can stay on the ground and become an oven to warm others._

_Family._

Reid took a deep breath before he looked up to meet Morgan's eyes. Slowly, he nodded.

"Reid?"

"It's okay. I'll stay."


	30. Chapter 30

For a long time Reid didn't dare to look up. He was afraid Morgan would still see the anger in his eyes, anger that would probably never completely go away. The world had twisted and turned a lot in the past few days, and whenever he tried to focus on reality, it blurred a little. He didn't want to destroy this moment of retrieved familiarity by urging Morgan. It would take time to admit it to himself, but Reid was relieved that his team was ready to take him back. Endlessly relieved.

Morgan cleared his throat, but said nothing. He waited for Reid to speak first. Slowly, the genius lifted his glance to his colleague's face. What he saw was both affecting and harrowing: Morgan seemed to be as relieved as he was. Relieved that things moved to their right place again. Relieved that the team would not break apart, never, no matter what happened. Relieved that ine day Reid would be able to forgive them.

And at the same time Reid saw the fear in Morgan's eyes. He still was a former cop from a bad district in a half-bad city. Trusting somebody had hurt him far too often, and Morgan couldn't believe Reid totally. Not yet, though there was nothing he wanted more. He cleared his throat again. "Reid…" Suddenly, the other's face grew stony again. It was there again, the bad memories, the uncertainty, the explanations he would have to give. Had he misunderstood anything? Should he leave the team? Had this been a goodbye?

"You're serious?" Now Reid saw tears in Morgan's eyes. "You'll stay, pretty boy? You'll stay with us?" "My brain should be used for the sake of mankind, saying that the FBI is certainly a good place for me. And you know how to handle me and my knowledge, so…I think this is the best possibility for me to live, and if Garcia has not yet found the time to…"

"Reid" Morgan laughed, "it's Garcia we're talking about! You remember what she did with Hotch's cancellation?" After a moment Reid joined in the laughter. On one hand he didn't like the idea of Garcia ignoring his wishes. One the other hand he knew that Hotch's cancellation was not gone, it was safe in a file in Garcia's personal archive, begun after Gideon's departure. Reid had detected it two years ago. The file had been named "Wing of the Angel of Destiny". Not what you would call understated, but that was what made the camouflage work. It could have been anything, and nobody would really look at it. He had, and inside he had found Hotch's cancellation, a copy of Derek's old files, the autopsy report of the man Elle had killed, her own file, still closed – and probably thousands more. From this moment on his own cancellation would be a part of it – or was there an "Angel"-file for this year, too?

Morgan had turned earnest again. "Reid, nobody says it's gonna be easy. Hotch's ready to take you half-time if you can't bear us the whole day. If you need time till things are as they once were." He stopped and rubbed his eyes, looking tired now. "Okay, forget about the last part. It will never be as it once was. And I'm sorry for that." Slowly, he stood up. The few steps away from Reid, were harder than he had thought. At the door he turned around and tried to read his face. What he saw made him smile through all his sorrow and weakness. This was Reid as they knew him, as they loved him. As they needed him to go on, to keep on working and saving lives. Keep on looking into the abyss, letting it stare deep down into one's soul and still not falling into it.

Reid was back.

"Hey, pretty boy!" Morgan's smile grew broader now. "Don't change your mind while I'm gone!"

Reid leaned back into the cushions, he didn't want to see Morgan talking to JJ and Hotch. It was still difficult to accept – for he would never understand it – how much the others loved him.

He didn't wait long for reactions.

JJ stormed off before Morgan had stopped speaking. She ran to Reid's room, hair flying, eyes blazing – and stood still. The smile disappeared from her face as she remembered her reaction before. She had pushed Reid, insensitive and unprofessional.

And now he was back.

"You…you come back?"

Reid smiled lightly. He was still not used to a weak JJ. "Yes."

"Thank you!" Suddenly sobbing, JJ stumbled to the bed and flung her arms around Reid's neck. "Of course." Carefully the doctor held his colleague. The embrace felt good, though it was not really comfortable. A picture popped up in his mind. Raphael, two years ago. Reid realized how close he had been then to losing JJ, and for a moment he felt an icy, all-consuming fear. The same fear that had driven his team through the past few weeks. Aghast, he pulled JJ closer. She smiled in her tears. "It's okay, Spence. It's okay." Reid smiled, too. "I think "okay" is not really an adequate term for…this."

"JJ, would you excuse us for a moment?" Hotch had entered the room. JJ quickly let go of Reid and left.

For the first time in months, the team leader looked into the team genius' eyes. Nobody spoke for a long time. Neither of the men was good in expressing their feelings. Not like that. "I didn't find Gideon", Reid eventually said – just to say anything. Hotch sighed. He had expected that, but still – a part of him had hoped to find his former boss and hero. "I see."

"But I found a letter that's about all of us."

"Us". He had said "us". Hotch nodded gratefully. "Okay, thank you, Reid."

Reid licked his lips nervously. "Hotch…"

"Reid!" Silence fell onto them again.

Hotch extended his hand. A rare smile appeared on his face. "Welcome home!"

Reid paid back the smile as he took his boss' hands. Normally, he had started talking now, about statistics and traumata and the bureaucratic stuff they would have to go through and how work could not be a home, basically.

He didn't say it. Only the quivering corners of his mouth showed the depth of his feelings.

"Thank you, Hotch."


	31. Chapter 31

_So this is the end…I'm very sorry it took so very long to complete this story. And I'm sorry it's gotten so complicated on the way. I know I lost quite a lot of readers because my English is too bad to explain and tell this story as it should be, and I'm very very grateful for all of you who are still reading. Thank you so much and I hope you'll like this last chapter._

They took the next flight to Emily. Hotch and Rossi had a long discussion about whether Reid was ready to meet the others. Whether it was good to make him leave the place where his mother had lived and died. Whether he was ready to face his team.

After listening to the men for about half an hour, JJ had turned left without a word and asked Reid directly. Reid hesitated only for a moment. The time of running was over. Definitely. His team had taken so many risks, had done so much to find and save him. They would have even accepted if he had chosen to leave for good.

Reid decided to leave for good, but not the team – Las Vegas. It was time now to go on, to go home to his family. To Emily and Garcia, to JJ, Hotch, Morgan and Rossi – for real and forever now.

The journey started in silence, as usual by now.

Twenty minutes before landing, Hotch thought it was his duty as team leader to say something.

Twenty minutes before the landing, Reid thought it was his duty as the main person in this tragedy to say something.

Twenty minutes before landing, JJ thought it was her duty as first activator of the case to say something.

"Well, I…" "Well, I…" "Well, I…"

The three fell silent at the same time, as they had spoken at the same time. Morgan stared at the group. "Did you guys just…" Then he broke off. For a very short moment the agents held the silence, then Morgan and Rossi started to laugh. JJ fell in, hushed till Reid couldn't help but laughing, too. Finally, Hotch didn't want to resist anymore. He laughed too, more heartily than for a long time.

Like so often, his thoughts went off to Haley. Not to the fights or the divorce, not even to her death. Hotch remembered the happy, caring, wise, brave woman he had married. The harder the case had got, the more Hotch had wished to believe in a higher power. He wanted to believe in a greater plan, in a sense behind it all. He wanted to believe in a heaven where Haley was alive, shining brightly as a star, watching Jake grow. This was the story he told his son every night. He never had believed it, though, as much as he wanted it.

Now, seeing his team together again, he started to believe.

JJ was the first to react at her boss' change of mood. Without really knowing why, she stopped laughing. Morgan followed, nodding towards Hotch as Rossi looked at him questioningly. With raised eyebrows, the senior agent fell silent too. Reid kept on laughing for a moment, then he got quiet, too. JJ smiled at him, then turned her attention back at Hotch.

He shook his head, but then changed his mind. "I just want to say I'm very proud to be the leader of this team. I've gone through many things with you – especially with the three of you", Rossi backed away to give them some private space, "situations others would have surrenderd at. Situations that would break people, and we got over them. I know I tend to be strict with you, and that won't change", Morgan grinned, "but I want you to know that I am really happy to be in this with you. Every day." Hotch took them all in, and they looked back, still kind of traumatized but deeply moved by the feeling of family they shared. There were no further words necessary.

Reid still said them, words that all of his friends had in their minds right now, words that were far too seldom spoken out, "We're also happy to be in this with you, Hotch."

"Hurry up, they're coming!" Penelope's voice was dangerously shrill, and as it echoed through the hospital floors, even Dr. Gordon jumped up with shock. His protest at her whirling around and driving the nurses crazy, however, was cut short by Rossi, his hand lying casually on his gun. "You're ready, girls?" He asked, not even trying to hide his triumphant smile. "Ready!", Emily shouted back, her voice strong again. Dr. Gordon cursed at the FBI, but it was too late. Forty balloons filled with helium floated through the floors and staircases, and the laughter of the patients who grabbed them greeted Hotch, JJ, Morgan and Reid as they entered the building. Garcia had carried her point: The happy day for her team would be a happy day for the hospital. Parents, seeing their ill children's eyes light up for the first time in months, applauded the blonde angel. For a moment, Garcia cured all of them.

An escort of hope and joy guided the newcomers to the other half of their team.

Up in the second floor, the children fell back. It was quiet when the profilers reached the corridor. They stood still, unsure what to expect. The next step would bring them past the point of no return – again. The way to Emily's room seemed a lot longer now than before. It led to Fayetteville and Las Vegas, into the wood and back, back onto the streets – and now, hopefully, back home.

"You made it, finally!" With a bright smile, Rossi came to them. The arrogance he had put on like armor was long gone. As he embraced JJ and Hotch, Reid couldn't help but thinking of a big bear – though he wasn't sure if more a grizzly or a teddy bear. Morgan seemed surprised by the other's behavior. He was obviously relieved as Rossi contented himself with shaking his hand. Then it was Reid's turn. Embarrassedly he looked down as Rossi examined him. Then he nodded: "You're looking good, Doctor." Surprised, Reid looked up. In the elder's eyes he saw a new shyness, almost a plea. It was almost as if Rossi asked Reid for allowance to be part of this family. Without even noticing it, Reid started to smile. He wasn't the weakest link anymore! So long had he felt small and wrong and totally odd, and now he knew he would always be different – but that didn't mean he wasn't part of the team. He was. He belonged to that family, he was a certain sort of light that helped enlighten the world. The team. And now it was his turn to help another one becoming part of the family. The smile grew.

Then he looked into Rossi's eyes and the feeling was gone. He was his nervous self again. "Uhm…yes. Thank you. You're looking good, to." Rossi smiled. "Thank you", he said and from his voice Reid knew that he had understood. After a short moment of hesitation, Rossi embraced Reid, then turned to face the others again: "You've taken a whole lot of time. Emily was about to go to Vegas on her own. On foot."

Only now the profilers looked past Rossi. Slowly, Emily walked towards her team, Garcia at her side, ready to catch her friend in case she should stumble. Though right now she felt too weak to carry her own weight. It was easy to make a hospital laugh. But how do you greet a friend whom you failed to protect? How do explain to him that no matter what happens, he'll always be a little boy who needs to be looked after? Garcia shivered. Had it been her fault? Had she let go of the case Hankel too easily then? Had she endangered Reid?

All these questions Garcia had stuffed back in the past few weeks. She had to be there for the team, she had to help. She had been needed to find Reid – the rest would somehow be alright. Then Emily had got attacked. And then Morgan had called her with the good news, had told her that Reid would stay with the team. She had been so happy! She was so happy! Why was she so scared then?

Morgan noticed the chaos in his babygirl's eyes. He hugged her tightly as Emily greeted first JJ and then wrapped her arms tightly around Reid, trying to ignore the tears that burned in her eyes. "It's good to have you back", she whispered, and Reid had to swallow back his own tears before he could answer. "Same goes for you, Emily." She pulled back a little to look into the genius' eyes. "I'm sorry for your mom", she said, the only one to mention it, and Reid smiled gratefully.

Morgan had pulled back from Garcia as well. He knew how she felt, he knew the fears and doubts she had. He had the same doubts and he was fine with it, but Garcia shouldn't feel that way. Slowly he shook his head, staring into the blonde's eyes as if he wanted to burn the truth right into her brain. She had done nothing wrong.

Garcia understood what Morgan wanted her to see, but she didn't want to. Unwillingly, Morgan smiled. It was so typical Garcia to bring happiness all around, to infect everyone with hope and love, to see the good in everyone – except herself. He couldn't imagine a day without her, without her making him laugh. Reid was probably the heart of the team (and the brain as well), but Garcia was the soul behind them. And she had to realize that – but obviously, she didn't. The smile died from Morgan's face as he saw tears welling up in her eyes as well. Gently he stroke her cheek, and that set free the cry. At once, Reid turned around, and Morgan carefully led Garcia into the doctor's arms where she sobbed helplessly, mumbling sorries for things Reid didn't understand. Morgan looked at the younger one, nodding encouragingly. Reid was stunned. His colleague trusted him to console Garcia. That was the biggest prove of trust Derek Morgan could give. Reid smiled again, holding the tech analyst close. Now he knew the name of the thing he had just felt with Rossi: certitude.

"_Gideon took a high risk in supporting you, Reid, and you never disappointed him. Honestly, I think if it wasn't for you, he had left the BAU after the Boston bomber. You made him believe in our work again. Believe in the people."_

"It's okay", Reid said softly, and the certitude of who he was and what he had to do radiated like light, actually causing Garcia to look into his face. "Penelope Audrey Garcia. From all people I know, you have done the least reason to be sorry. For anything. Really!"

Garcia stared at the genius in awe. There was something new in him, something that told her it was okay to forgive herself. To start again. It would be okay. The team, the family would be okay. "Thank you", she whispered, tears of joy now welling out of her eyes, and then she hugged him again, then hugged JJ and Emily, tightly hugged Morgan, Rossi – and stood still facing Hotch. "Boss", she said, her voice trembling with emotions and nervosity, "we're ready to go home." They all smiled at the word "home". It sounded good.

Hotch nodded slowly, but didn't move. He seemed to wait for something.

After two minutes, Morgan put their confusion in words: "Hotch, what are we…"  
>"Oh, the letter!" All eyes went to Reid again. He still wasn't used to it. "When I was at Gideon's blockhouse, I…I found a letter"; he said. "It…somehow it's concerning all of you and…I…" He took a deep breath. Why not now? The case was over. It was time to go home, time to go on with life. Time to end some things.<p>

"A letter?" Morgan tried to keep his voice even, but there was too much emotion in the memory of Gideon. Reid smiled as he remembered the lines concerning Morgan. His friend would find his peace now, in a way they all would. "Maybe it's time", he said, and the others nodded eagerly. JJ and Garcia shoved Emily into a chair – and she didn't complain, which showed how much in pain he still was – and Rossi went outside, to check up with the jet as he said, but they were profilers after all.

Expectant silence filled the floor. Silence. Reid sighed as he pulled out the letter. There had been so much silence in the past weeks. He looked at his colleague's – his family's – faces, then started to read.

_October 20, 2011_

_Dear Spencer,_

_I hope it's you who found my letter. This second letter to you will be my last, and I don't even know if you will ever read it. If anybody will ever read it. And then I ask myself if it matters._

_Spencer, in the last six months I spent at the BAU I started doubting. How can our knowledge help others when we begin to work as a reaction, after the crime has happened? _

_We work hand in hand with death. We're standing – forgive me for writing "we" again, because by now it is be "you", the team – permanently at the abyss. And one day this abyss started, to quote Nietzsche, to look into me. But it wasn't the darkness that devastated me. I don't believe in the Evil anymore. It would be too easy if we could classify it like that._

_I thought a lot in these past two years, I went through many of our old cases. I know, I know. Retirement should mean peace. But I am convinced by now, sadly convinced that we will never find true peace in this life. We stand at the abyss, like the criminals we caught. All of them. One day they lost their way and fell into their personal abyss, and I keep asking myself – if we had known about their problems before, would we've been able to prevent these crimes?_

_Every one of us has a certain power in himself, enough power to light a torch. Every one of us can be a light for the others. But light itself isn't a good thing. It is mere energy, energy in its purest form, and we can use it as we think it right. We can light lanterns and fly high up into the sky and enlighten everything we see. But we can also choose to stay on the ground and be an oven or a campfire, we can give warmth and be there for the people around us._

_My own light is fading. It's getting dark inside of me. One week ago, an old friend of mine has diagnosed bowel cancer. In three months, my body will lie on one of these horribly cold autopsy beds and teach some medicine students about cutting and the value of life. I hope it will, at last. They should know how frail and delicate life is. How precious. _

_Because life is precious, Spencer, in spite of all our faults and failures. I hope my son will somehow realize that, I hope you will realize that._

_I hope Hotch will realize it, even now. I read about Haley's death in the newspaper. I am so sorry. She was a wonderful person, strong enough to defy him when he needed it. I don't want to profile her, but I wasn't that surprised when I read her maiden name._

_Spencer, if you're really reading this, I beg you to somehow force Hotch to spend more time with Jack._

_And look after JJ. I heard she finally got a family of her own, but as far as I know her she's spending even less time with them than Hotch does with Jack. _

_Sense of duty is important. We have to do our job 120% or we help nobody. But to be able to do this, we need to be in line with the people we love. And as much as possible, also with ourselves. Don't shake your head, Spencer. I know you don't want to read this. Nobody wants to hear such things. We want to be heroes. Nobody wants to admit he needs time to care for himself. But it's necessary. Hotch lost his wife, Elle lost her future, because they weren't able to care for the things just around them. _

_I think Morgan realized it already. The confrontation with his past was painful, but I think he has made his peace with it by now._

_Speaking of Prentiss – well, she is strong enough to find her own place in the team. I guess she doesn't have to prove something for herself, and that's good._

_Garcia – well, I still don't understand how she came to work with the FBI. If she needs flowers and laughing, what's she doing here? – Holding together the team in a way, I came to think lately._

_Doctor Spencer Reid- I am sorry for leaving you then, and without a warning. I hoped there was something like a clean break. I even believed in it for a few weeks._

_Now I am an old man, I am lonely and I realize that these years at the BAU were the very best of my life. I loved my job, I did, and still it destroyed me. That's life._

_But not every one has to end like that, Spencer!_

Reid stopped to watch his colleague's reactions. They were crying, each of them, alone and yet united in the lament for one of the best people they had ever known. For a warrior who had lost the battle without losing the faith of victory. Reid saw it in their eyes, saw the same love, gratefulness and admiration, the same pride he had felt. And still felt.

He licked his lips, deciding to skip the next part. This was the private part of Gideon's letter, the part that had given him the strength to come back.

_You don't have to end like that. I know your position in this team will always be beyond hierarchy. You've got to accept that, Doctor, you need to understand that you're special in every way. You're the heart of this team. _

_What Tobias Hankel did to you was horrible. There is no day when I don't wish it would have been me who went with JJ this day. It would've made it easier for her, too. But this case made me see two things: First, you're stronger than you think. Much stronger. You helped the poor boy inside this killer, and you're a better shooter than we thought._

_Second: This team needs you. More than it never needed me. More than it needs Garcia or JJ or even Hotch. I've never seen these profilers as helpless as in this night. And it wasn't only your brain that was missing. A woman like Jennifer Jareau doesn't cry her eyes out because of a case she can't solve. You were missing. You as a person, Spencer Reid, as a friend. This team, your team, loves and respects you, it admires you. I know Morgan has problems to fight his ego down, and JJ has problems with her mother's instinct (can't have gotten better now)._

_And I know you don't want to believe these lines. I beg you to accept them from a dying man. A man who had lost faith in mankind till he found you._

_You are one of the best profilers the BAU will ever have. You are the center of this team, part of a family not many people have. This team will do anything for you._

_Don't let that trap you. Take care of the team, but don't neglect your other family because of them. Take care of your mother. Start to look for your father. Find a girl, and make sure you won't ever have to profile the guy she ran away with because you weren't there for her._

_I want you to tell your grand-grand-children what we've done, the great things we achieved. _

_I want you to know what you're living for, when it comes to the end._

Reid cleared his throat, crying too now. There were still lines to be read, and for the others there had just seconds passed. He took a deep breath and kept on reading, with a voice as firm as he felt weak, the very last lines:

_Oh, and one thing: It doesn't matter where my corpse lies, so please don't look for me. I don't know where I'm going or if I will see Sara again. That doesn't matter either._

_In my last letter to you I wrote: It doesn't' make sense anymore. _

_I think I understand it now._

_I want thank you, Spencer Reid, for all you are and for your loyalty to me and to the team._

_Greet the others, but don't expect reactions. We both know how Morgan can explode when he feels helpless._

_All the best and yours sincerely ever after,_

_Jason Gideon._


End file.
